FIYA NFL
Rankings
**Week 1** |
Rank |
Team |
FIYA Analysis |
1 |
Cowboys
 |
That celebration did deserve a flag...for being corny. They'll need Newman against the Eagles. Pacman gambles too much--on the field, as well. |
2 |
Steelers
 |
13/14, 2 TD's. Told you he was back on his grind to get them A-List bitches back. Ben is focused. |
3 |
Eagles
 |
DeSean is small, shifty and more dangerous than any small ass white receiver that would get double the press he has garnered. I say we talk about it. He opened that Philly offense up in one quarter. |
4 |
Giants
 |
If Tuck stays healthy he'll finish top five in sacks and get a few DPOY votes. Mark it down like Laron Landry after a head-to-head meeting with Brandon Jacobs. |
5 |
Patriots
 |
I was gonna keep them #1 just to make you readers mad, but then when Belichick turned Chris Simms and Tim Rattay around before they even worked out, he made me mad. Dude is such a prick. If he had fucked around and did that to Pep, they would've dropped to 20. Believe that. |
6 |
Saints
 |
Forcing a defensive coordinator to decide whether to put the linebacker on Shockey or Bush is like asking any man to choose between an argument or day of shopping with his wife. |
7 |
Bears
 |
For the wrestling fans out there, the age of Orton was officially thrust upon all of us on Sunday night. |
8 |
Panthers
 |
Don't get me wrong, I think Carolina going into San Diego getting a win was wonderful, but I've been burned by this bipolar team week after week, year after year. I'm at a point in my life where I need some consistency and stability from these guys…oh God, that sounded like ___________________ (fill in any woman in the world's name here). |
9 |
Packers
 |
I'd like to thank my Lord and savior Jesus Christ for willing that boy to a win in his first game. Now, I only have to hear the fake "we're happy for you" Favre comments instead of the venomous "SEE, THAT’S WHY WE HATE YOU---CAUSE YOU AINT BRETT!" remarks...this week, anyway. |
10 |
Chargers
 |
Call me hateful if you want, but I want them to lose a couple more games. This team is much more entertaining when they're scared, blaming each other than when they get along. |
11 |
Colts
 |
49 pass attempts and 15 carries. I suggest someone slip Tony Dungy that tape of Brady getting his shit snapped. Tin Man aint gonna last long doing this in his later years. |
12 |
Titans
 |
You'd go crazy too if you had to throw to those receivers. |
13 |
Jaguars
 |
…and a week after I hailed him "No Mistake Dave." Three big ones. Just perfect. |
14 |
Jets
 |
All of a sudden a week two New England-New York game is bigger than this past February's Super Bowl. Of course Brett Favre has nothing to do with this. |
15 |
Bills
 |
The 'lil ass plant step and cut Roscoe broke out during that return was the best on field moment of kickoff Sunday. NOPE, the best. |
16 |
Seahawks
 |
Much like an audiophile that has come home to discover he has been robbed, this team is suddenly void of receivers. |
17 |
Broncos
 |
I see why so many guys play through injuries; niggas like Eddie Royal are just waiting to take their jobs. And best believe, someone has lost their job to this guy. |
18 |
Cardinals
 |
Hmmm, plus four in turnovers in a mere 10 point win against 'Frisco. I'll wait another week. |
19 |
Ravens
 |
In the time that it took Flacco to burrow down the sideline for that score, I ate all six of my fish sticks (delicious, btw) and finished War and Peace. |
20 |
Vikings
 |
Anyone know how Tarvaris just became the unanimous unquestionable starter? I'm thinking one of those mind eraser devices from Men In Black had something to do with it. |
21 |
Browns
 |
Ever notice how much Braylon looks like Chris Tucker? Too bad he dropped the ball more than Chris' dopehead character did in Dead Presidents, last Sunday. |
22 |
Buccaneers
 |
Garcia is banged up, but not to worry. They have seven more QB's waiting in the wings in case he goes down. |
23 |
Redskins
 |
I give it until week three before the official "QB Controversy" starts in Washington. You taking the over or under? |
24 |
Falcons
 |
Michael Turner's agent better get him a bowling ball endorsement by week's end or he needs to be fired. |
25 |
Lions
 |
Arson's Fiya Observation Of The Week: NFL opening weekend, Sunday Night Baseball, The VMA's, Entourage Season 5 premier, WWE Unforgiven PPV, Serena's US Open Match---nothing and I mean NOTHING was better on Sunday than Fox's new game show Hole In The Wall. A program to which the sole objective is to get through a moving hole in the wall before it pushes your ass into a pool. This shit is so stupid it's brilliant. Truly the dumbest, most wondeful program I've ever seen in my life. I laughed for 30 minutes straight. To the Japanese guy who created this, a lifetime achievement is in order. Goddamn, I can't wait to see that big black girl get dominated by them walls! |
26 |
Texans
 |
Mario with two sacks. I'm calling Pro Bowl, early. |
27 |
Rams
 |
It looks like Nelly aint the only thing in St. Louis that done fell off. With the Giants defense up next, the Rams offense is faced with quite a Dilemma next week. Awwwwww Yeah. |
28 |
Bengals
 |
Nice try, Chad. |
29 |
Dolphins
 |
*See Bengals comment. |
30 |
49ers
 |
I don't know much about J.T. O'Sullivan, but I fucks with him if for no other reason than his name sounds like he should be the lead singer in a Christian boy band. |
31 |
Raiders
 |
They have to protect that boy. J-Russ was getting hit out there like his name plate read Carr. |
32 |
Chiefs
 |
I expect Bernard Pollard to get more death threats throughout the next five months than Jackie Robinson when he broke the color barrier in 1947. |
