FIYA NFL
Rankings
**Week 9** |
Rank |
Team |
FIYA Analysis |
1 |
Patriots
 |
Not even the zebras could deny them and boy did they try. But, by now you've heard more than enough analysis on the game, let's use our time constructively to once and for all address the myth that Randy Moss doesn't go over the middle, in hopes of finding a weakness in his game. He not only went across the middle, but he lived there and had he not been willing to do so, the Pats would have lost. He's been doing it all year, but you can't say you didn't see it, this time. Moss had such a great game, I'm starting to rethink my proclamation of Tom Brady as the clear cut MVP. Randy may have the edge. |
2 |
Colts
 |
"Staring the mighty Patriots empire and their perfect first drive streak in the face, Robert Mathis used a heavenly spin move even his bookend twin Dwight Freeney would be envious of to sack Tom Brady on their first offensive play from scrimmage, setting the tone for the not-to-be denied, Champion Indianapolis Colts en route to a victory in the biggest game..." I guarantee you that, or something like it was on the Macbook of every Patriot hating reporter in the U.S., last Sunday after the first New England drive resulted in a punt. I hope that will learn the hating morons to stop trying to pre-write stories and watch the fucking game. |
3 |
Packers
 |
One thing I give to old man Throw-A-Pick; he has consistently sent scrub receivers on a free trip to Hawaii in February, when they otherwise would have been at home eating soup. This Greg Jennings has an outside chance to become the the latest recipient. |
4 |
Cowboys
 |
Marion Barber has a serious bid in on Thomas Jones' hard ass running title. While Jones runs hard for seemingly no reason, Barber's style seems driven more by pain. It's almost as if someone is showing him clips from Roots before each carry. |
5 |
Giants
 |
Here it is Giants fan, the moment of truth to see whether you're really a good team or a decent team that's just beaten all the teams you should have. Yup, it's Dallas week. |
6 |
Steelers
 |
Alright, can someone once and for all tell me whether Ben Roethlisberger is Jewish or not? I have this killer line about his five TD's, Hanukkah and a Dreidel ready to go, but if he's Irish or some shit, it's a tank. |
7 |
Titans
 |
Tennessee's defense has taken on the personality of an abusive husband, being that if you're a weak bitch, they will only continue to punch you in the face until someone blows the whistle on them. (perhaps I went too far, but hey, I was feeling it.) |
8 |
Jaguars
 |
That big hit Maurice Jones-Drew put on Jason Craft at the end of the Saints blowout made me sad knowing I wouldn't be able to hear Michael Irvin yell and slobber, "Jacked Up!" on the following Monday. I miss Mike Dawg. |
9 |
Lions
 |
With Detroit winning and the Colts losing, Jesus went 1-1, last week…same for Satan. |
10 |
Redskins
 |
Hold up, I just realized Halloween has passed and we haven't seen Janky Spanky, Sheriff Gonna Getcha, Southeast Jerome or Dr. I Don't Know. Now, you know this is some bullshit, Clinton. We need some excitement and we sure ain't getting it from that 'Skins passing game. |
11 |
Browns
 |
The funniest thing about Cleveland's success, this year, is the fit it's giving Jerry Jones. You see, a 2007 draft day deal sent Dallas' number one pick to Cleveland for, among other things, the Browns' number one, this year. These wins have got Jerry madder than the grammar police after Emmit is given the floor on NFL Countdown. |
12 |
Buccaneers
 |
…ahem…you ready?
MAN, WHO THE FUCK IS Earnest Graham?! |
13 |
Saints
 |
If you used common sense and didn't start Drew Brees against the Jags defense for fantasy, I feel your pain and worthless intelligence. |
14 |
Seahawks
 |
Oops, I forgot Seattle played this week, Jesus went 1-2, Luc 2-1. |
15 |
Chargers
 |
Was that a passing of the baton from Ladanian Tomlinson to Adrian Peterson or a violent snatch and Magic Don Juan slapping with it? |
16 |
Panthers
 |
Did you see Steve Smith on Inside the NFL, last week? This dude has the worst case of little man syndrome I've seen since New York Rap was on top in the mid 90's. The segment chronicled his maniac ways, but ended with him saying he has a better handle on his inner rage nowadays. THEN just days later, he confronts rookie Dwayne Jarrett about watching some film and doesn't take no for an answer, not even thinking about moving until the terrified rookie retreats. That ain't 'tensity, that's crazy. He crazy, I say! |
17 |
Chiefs
 |
Larry Johnson shows up on the injury report as having an ankle injury, but that nigga ain't fooling me, I know he's really in L.A. on the set of another Jay-Z video throwing that ROC up. |
18 |
Bills
 |
Lost in AD, AP or whatever they're calling Adrian Peterson and his jaw dropping season is Marshawn Lynch having a nice season, himself. |
19 |
Ravens
 |
Baltimore Coach Brian Billick shouldn't feel too bad about the aftermath of cutting James Harrison. In comparison to the Akron high school and little league coaches that cut him, he made out with only taking a loss in a game. James shot the other two guys in the leg and chest, respectively. |
20 |
Bears
 |
|
21 |
Vikings
 |
Speaking of fantasy football, if you didn't start Adrian Peterson last week, kill yourself. |
22 |
Broncos
 |
Travis Henry had 31 yards on nine carries, last Sunday. That's a 3.4 yard per Henry kid average. |
23 |
Eagles
 |
I know Brian Westbrook's cleats look like flip-flops at the end of games. That nigga be runnin for his life every Sunday. |
24 |
Texans
 |
one more...
MAN, WHO IN THE FUCK is Ron Da---hey, wait, I actually know who Ron Dayne is. Good game, I suppose.
|
25 |
Cardinals
 |
How is this team, this sorry, specifically on offense? I just don't understand. |
26 |
Bengals
 |
Chad Johnson would have gotten up and cursed Carson Palmer out if he wasn't lying near dead on the ground. That was a terrible pass. |
27 |
Falcons
 |
The Hawks have a brighter outlook. |
28 |
49ers
 |
Alex Smith is starting to contend with the likes of Tim Couch and David Carr for worst overall pick at QB. |
29 |
Oakland
 |
I wonder how close Justin Fargas has come to committing homicide when someone has called him 'lil Huggy Bear or a variation of. It has to absolutely suck, at times to be him and Frank Sinatra Jr. |
30 |
Jets
 |
As David Harris collected his 24th tackle, two and a half hours away, Zach Thomas, enjoying his bye week, dropped his spatula and shoe stringed his mother-in-law. |
31 |
Dolphins
 |
Shut the fuck up and make my steak medium, Don Shula. You just mad. |
32 |
Rams
 |
Well, on the bright side, you can't lose either during a bye week. |
