FIYA NFL
Rankings
**Week 5** |
Rank |
Team |
FIYA Analysis |
1 |
Patriots
 |
Dallas
showdown ahead. Anyone else giddy? |
2 |
Colts
 |
I'm
officially waiving my Lee Evans rule on this one; "Oh,
who the fuck is Kenton Keith?!" |
3 |
Cowboys
 |
The
best two things in the aftermath of Nick Folk's kick against
the Bills were: T.O.'s transformation from Humble Joe Goat
to Amos Asshole and Michael Irvin actin a damn fool in
Jerry's box. Did you see him catch that 'ghost? God, I
miss that guy on my television every Sunday morning. |
4 |
Steelers
 |
Tomlin
and Dungy are going head to head, right now, for most impressive
coaching job of a team with half of their roster on the
shelf. Must be a black thing. |
5 |
Jaguars
 |
I
don't know what kinda wack juice Jacksonville's defensive
line was drinking when they gave all those yards up to
the Titans in week one, but I think it's safe to say that
canteen has been disposed of. |
6 |
Packers
 |
Welcome
back to normalcy, Brett. |
7 |
Titans
 |
I'll
be the first to admit, I didn't know just how damaged Merril
Hoge's ego was after he continued to look like a jackass,
last year, with his on-going Vince hate. But, it's pretty
evident how bad it hurt him, now. I watched this big ass
ugly suit wearing moron, go after Prince Vince for three
consecutive television segments the other day. Michael
Irvin must have hit that nigga cough-laugh on him after
one of Vince's big wins in '06. If a nigga has ever hit
that cough-laugh on you with an audience in tow, you know
how much it hurts. |
8 |
Seahawks
 |
Goddamn,
they got punched in the ass! |
9 |
Bears
 |
He's
not John Elway or anything, but clearly, this is why you
had to replace Grothlessman with Griese. If Rex was in
there trailing, the Green Bay game is an L. |
10 |
Giants
 |
New
York fans should send Jerry Reese a gift card to the Olive
Garden, with at least $25 on it, this week for his
brilliant drafting of Aaron Ross. Prior to this pick, the
Giants hadn't had a playmaker in the secondary since Everson
Walls had two kidneys. |
11 |
Redskins
 |
Following
up on last week's remark about how infectious Jesus' laugh
was, this guy's smile isn't too far behind. No, no need
for a no homo. Fred is happy and he incourages healthy
eating, so there. |
12 |
Bengals
 |
Marvin
Lewis disappointed me during his off week. That was plenty
of time to go to the waiver wire and put together a brand
new defense, yet Cinci's roster remains unchanged. |
13 |
Buccaneers
 |
If
Tampa loses another running back to injury, I say put Ike
Hilliard back there just to see how close he is to immortality. |
14 |
Ravens
 |
Tapes
of Baltimore's offense are being distributed by Gerber to
parents of hyperactive toddlers across the nation. Early
feedback is said to be encouraging. |
15 |
Lions
 |
If
I were a Lions fan I'd be worried, because Sunday's loss
to the Redskins looked a lot like the kind of losses the
franchise has endured since Barry Sanders retired, but
then again it was in Washington, where they haven't won
since Stalin was in grammar school, so we'll wait and see
what they do next week. |
16 |
Panthers
 |
With
Delhomme out for the year (they're so fucked), look for
Carolina to soon make a deal with AARP to get Chris Weinke
back in uniform, since he's familiar with the offense. |
17 |
Cardinals
 |
Coming
to theater's this fall: The Devil's Advocate and Reject,
starring in evil to good order: Satan, Kurt Warner, Kurt's
Wife, Genghis Khan, Matt Leinart, Meatloaf and Julia Stiles
as the love interest. |
18 |
Chargers
 |
When
Brandon Siler cut through the Denver special teams en route
to a fumble recovery and first quarter score, he instantly
became a Hero in the city of San Diego…ehhhhhhhhh? |
19 |
Texans
 |
No
bullshit, the official recap of the Miami-Houston game
states: "Trent Green suffered a concussion trying to
block. He went to a hospital for observation but returned
to the stadium after the game. He was injured when
defensive tackle Travis Johnson hit him in the head with
his knee." I'll comment on what I thought
about Travis' reaction, next week. Forgive me, but I'm
just having a hard time digesting this. |
20 |
Browns
 |
What's
the use of even shitting on the latest average team New
England has destroyed? It gets old. Instead, let's talk
positive things like Braylon Edwards joining Amani Toomer
and Anthony Carter as the only Michigan receivers that
could get off the line on the next level. |
21 |
Broncos
 |
When
I heard Travis Henry had nine kids by nine different women,
my penis told me it was going away for a while. When I
heard Travis failed a drug test and wanted to prove his
innocence with a DNA test, my hope for black people put
a call into my penis for directions. |
22 |
Eagles
 |
So
is mustache man gonna bail or what? He's had a week. |
23 |
49ers
 |
Fuck
all that good sport-forgiving shit, Trent Dilfer should
have spit in Brian Billick's face before that game. How
do you get rid of a Super Bowl winning QB? |
24 |
Raiders
 |
Pep
pointed to his knee his entire week off. |
25 |
Chiefs
 |
I
knew Denver and Kansas City's offensive lines would stop
being dominant one day, but for their reign's to both end
on the same day is more disturbing than turning to Showtime to
find they're still running Anna Nicole soft porn. |
26 |
Vikings
 |
Arson's
Fiya Observation Of The Week: There
should be a ban on kids trying to sell you candy during
the month of October. With all of the cheap jumbo bags
on sale, it just doesn't make sense. Just this morning,
some little brat came up to me, telling me about some
damn school fundraiser. I told slim to stop actin stupid
and scram. He saw me holding that big ass sack of snack
size Twix. |
27 |
Bills
 |
I
just want to know why there was no bump-and-run coverage
on Crayton with seven seconds to go. See, this is what
makes people like me and you think we can coach in the
league. |
28 |
Jets
 |
Alright,
Eric, here's a deal to make it easier for you: Bench Chad
this week and I won't call you Mangina for the remainder
of the season. Think, but think fast, Coach. |
29 |
Falcons
 |
Did
you see DeAngelo Hall's interception return? No high step,
no strut to the end zone, no Primetime hop. That nigga
fell to his knees and thanked God his teammates weren't
gonna punch him in his head this week. Atlanta is quickly
becoming nigga humility central. |
30 |
Rams
 |
Another
loss, huh? Please, somebody take Leonard Little's car keys
before it's too late. |
31 |
Dolphins
 |
|
32 |
Saints
 |
NOPE!
Told you they were going all the way down. And tell Reggie
Bush to stop all that pregame nonsense. Your ass is losing,
so sit down. |
