FIYA NFL Rankings
**Week 2** |
Rank |
Team |
FIYA Analysis |
1 |
Patriots
 |
I might as well start it off; the race to an undefeated season has begun. These mofos are mad and the league has been put on notice. |
2 |
Colts
 |
Let's give their defense another week or two before we confirm them as pretty good. |
3 |
Cowboys
 |
Just imagine if Terry Glenn was playing, their offense would be that much better...but, then again, T.O. would be bitching---Nah, let's just focus on how well it's going, presently. |
4 |
Steelers
 |
I could point to the scrubs they've played so far, but the so called scrub squad they pummeled last week, just scored 90 points, so I'm leaving well enough alone. |
5 |
Chargers
 |
I haven't seen a man look more humbled in a press conference since Chris Webber tried to explain why he called that timeout in New Orleans. Not very much to laugh at this week, huh, Ladanian? |
6 |
Bears
 |
I threw this idea out to a friend, last Sunday, let's see what you think; How about whenever the Bears get the ball, unless they're in the opponents territory, they just punt it away? That way their defense has a chance to score and if they don't, Devin Hester does. I really think I'm on to something here. |
7 |
Broncos
 |
Denver has squeaked past two really bad teams. I need some time to figure this out. |
8 |
Packers
 |
14 straight completions to start the second half. Even I can't hate on the old man after---wait, *see the Giants at #25 |
9 |
49ers
 |
If NBC was smart they'd give Frank Gore a spin-off from that Bionic Woman show. Her limbs have nothing on his amazing bionic knee. |
10 |
Bengals
 |
Coach Marv's title of "defensive wizard" looks about as convincing as Charlie Weiss' "offensive wizard" tag, right about now. |
11 |
Ravens
 |
Boller actually shined in the back-up bowl. Good for you, Kyle. |
12 |
Texans
 |
You find me a better receiver no one outside of Texas can identify than Andre Johnson and I'll make a check out to your favorite charity. |
13 |
Cardinals
 |
With everyone whispering he was washed up, Edge got motivation for his Sunday performance from a familiar face; hometown hero Trick Daddy Dollars (NOPE, I keep telling you that's his name). It makes perfect sense, I mean, how could you not be energized after that opening verse off DJ Khaled's I'm So Hood? It's audio adrenaline. |
14 |
Panthers
 |
Another defensive coach mollywhopped. Surrendering 34 straight points to the Texans is not what's hot in the streets, Coach Fox. |
15 |
Seahawks
 |
Hey, Coach Mustache #2, Shaun's foot is really fine, give him a few more carries. |
16 |
Lions
 |
Now, see, if Jon Kitna was knocked silly before he promised those ten wins, I would've understood, but this is just too far after the fact for me. And while I'm on Kitna, what's up with how he spells Jon? That shit looked retarded on Garfield and it looks just as stupid here. |
17 |
Redskins
 |
He's still learning on the job, but that corner route Lionel Richie completed to Chris Cooley is a throw a Redskins QB hasn't been able to make since Mark Rypien's '91 contract year with Satan. |
18 |
Saints
 |
Which double first name guy has been figured out more, Sean Payton or Jason David? |
19 |
Titans
 |
I don't know how Vince keeps these guys competitive. I swear I don't. Maybe he really is Black Jesus. |
20 |
Browns
 |
With no victory guaranteed against Notre Dame, going into the weekend, Michigan fans directed all of their attention to the Braylon Edwards-Leon Hall match-up at Browns Stadium. As it turns out, it wasn't the only sure victory. |
21 |
Jaguars
 |
C'mon guys, where's the rushing attack I gushed over in the preseason? You're making my knowledge of the game look quite unintelligible. (add to your vocab, kiddies) |
22 |
Vikings
 |
Four more picks and you'll be back in Alabama waiting for that next Rich Boy CD to drop so you can road manage his promo tour, Tarvaris. |
23 |
Buccaneers
 |
Joey-Rug-Head-Muhhh-fukkin-Galloway. You see the muscle, he's strong and---what the--who the hell was that doing the hee-haw? DC folks, help me out. Identify this man! |
24 |
Eagles
 |
Much like the variation in Charles Barkley's vocabulary, those Eagles receivers are anything but "fontostic." |
25 |
Giants
 |
OK, here's my theory: In return for the sack record fav-re a couple years ago, Michael Strahan convinced his defensive unit to lay down like a group of Vietnam hostages against Brett, on Sunday, so he could set his all-time win record. You buyin'? |
26 |
Jets
 |
I've seen enough. I start Clemens regardless of rag arm's health, next week. He has just as much heart and he can make ALL the throws. |
27 |
Rams
 |
41 attempts for Bulger. Here we go again, ya'll. |
28 |
Raiders
 |
Are gonna have to hire O.J. to kidnap McCown so Pep can get a snap? I mean, damn. |
29 |
Bills
 |
Roscoe Parrish probably has the coolest name in the league. How can you not root for a 'lil guy that has gone through life with the name Roscoe? And as an added bonus for him, he can presently walk around with one of those cool new trendy shirts on and just nod his head, like "Yeah, nigga, that's me." |
30 |
Dolphins
 |
|
31 |
Chiefs
 |
Anybody read that ESPN story on Priest Holmes? Kinda weird, right? Like, not exactly in the neighborhood of Ricky Williams-weird, but somewhere on that same Texas campus-weird. |
32 |
Falcons
 |
Keep an eye on that Falcons rushing attack minus you know who, all year...don't worry, if you forget, I'll remind you how fucked up it is. Good luck, Byron. |
