Team |
Grade |
Player & FIYA Analysis |
Dolphins
 |
A |
Key Player(s) acquired: Jake Long - OT, Chad Henne - QB
The only thing that didn't sit right with me concerning the Jake Long pick was that he decided to show up for the draft instead of going fishing. While that's the last thing a professional basketball player wants to do at this time of year, its what every prospective offensive lineman should be doing after Joe Thomas' draft day activities, last year. Henne at 57 was a great pick since no one is sold on John Beck at 27 years of age, might I add. |
Rams
 |
B- |
Key Player(s) acquired: Chris Long - DE, Donnie Avery - WR
Long or Dorsey, Dorsey or Long? That was the question St. Louis had to deal with since Miami decided to take big Jake. Most "experts" will tell you it came down to character and pedigree going with Howie's son, but don't believe the hype, the decision ultimately came down to depth and only having a mid-30's guy at the position on the roster in Leonard Little. That coupled with all these new microbrews and potato vodkas on the market and they couldn't pass on Chris. |
Falcons
 |
D |
Key Player(s) acquired: Matt Ryan - QB, Sam Baker - OT
It just seems like the Falcons are doomed. No one in their sanest of minds likes Ryan this high, but in the unique position of this franchise they were damn near forced into the position of drafting him because if they don't have a new face of the franchise when Mike Vick gets out of the bing in December, those fans are going to be throwing bags of shit at Arthur Blank's door. Baker was a big risk, but their O-line is crap. |
Raiders
 |
B- |
Key Player(s) acquired: Darren McFadden - RB
The first and second level of the defense is still a concern, but what's left of Al Davis' senses still couldn't pass up on McFadden. Now, waiting until the 6th round to address that D-line, I'm totally Jessica Simpson on that one. |
Chiefs
 |
A |
Key Player(s) acquired: Glenn Dorsey - DT, Brandon Flowers - CB
Let me start off by saying I think the dumbest thing in the world next to the aforementioned Jessica Simpson is trading a proven player on your team to only draft someone to do many of the things that person you just let go do. So, no, I don't like getting Dorsey when you let go of Jared Allen. I don't care if one is a DT and one is a DE, they both line up in them trenches. Having said that, Herm and 'nem had a great draft. After the Dorsey pick, Albert on the O-line and Flowers at corner both come from good programs, particularly Flowers. He won't be intimidated in the L. |
Jets
 |
F |
Key Player(s) acquired: Vernon Gholston - DE
If they could, the Jets brass and their fans would blow Oakland up for drafting Papa Darren. Since I don't live there, I wouldn't even be mad at them. New York's other team needs a star. And they only compounded the problem of not getting McFadden by refusing to trade down. Instead they took a guy that has, "I can't wait to put my order in to Omaha Steaks and be lazy," written all over him. I don't fuck with nobody heavily associated with "taking plays off." |
Saints
 |
B+ |
Key Player(s) acquired: Sedrick Ellis - DT, Tracy Porter - CB
Part of their B+ was awarded because they didn't give in to their offensive inhibitions and give up important picks to get Jeremy Shockey from the Giants. While Ellis isn't as good as Dorsey, he does fill a need New Orleans has. As do Tracy Porter and DeMario Pressley. Their offense will be fine. |
Jaguars
 |
C |
Key Player(s) acquired: Derrick Harvey - DE, Quentin Groves - DE
Jacksonville added Jerry "Only If I Feel Like It" Porter and Troy "No Hands" Williamson to their roster of receivers in the off-season, but I think they should have made a strong push for Chad Johnson or Anquan Boldin. They instead drafted more defense and will continue to get stumped at the end of important games. |
Bengals
 |
C |
Key Player(s) acquired: Keith Rivers - OLB, Jerome Simpson - WR
Sweet Mary Magdalene, where do we start? Since the WR debacling, they go from needing just defense to needing defense and receivers. Stubbornness from management denied them even more picks they could have used in a potential Chad Johnson trade. Rivers, a USC product isn't a premier player at his line-backing position and they need playmakers on that unit. |
Patriots
 |
B- |
Key Player(s) acquired: Terrence Wheatley - CB, Shawn Crable - LB, Jarod Mayo - OLB
The Crable pick was almost better than the Mayo pick for the simple fact, he can line up where ever his coach puts him and make a play. Beli will love his versatility. Terrence Wheatley MUST be able to play though. With Asante bolting to the city of Brotherly shootouts, there's no room for him to come in and play with his head up his ass. |
Bills
 |
C+ |
Key Player(s) acquired: Leodis McKelvin - CB, James Hardy - WR
Ahh, here we go with some "extreme potential." McKelvin can run real fast, but his technique is like that of a limber Asian before some older Asian with a long beard sits his ass down and learns him some fundamentals. Bills fans better hope their team has an old sleepy looking dude rocking a Foo Manchu at mini camp in a few weeks. Hardy is another potential guy, but they needed a receiver with size badly. |
Broncos
 |
B |
Key Player(s) acquired: Ryan Clady - OT, Eddie Royal - WR
Attempting to carry on the tradition of elevating every bum or unknown that lines up behind the QB, Denver nabbed Ryan Clady to replace the retiring Matt Lepsis. At 6'6 320, he is gonna make some scrub, oh say, Round 5's Ryan Torain some money. If Clady can open up holes for Torain it will open up the field for speedy Eddie Royal at wideout. |
Panthers
 |
B+ |
Key Player(s) acquired: Jonathon Stewart - RB, Jeff Otah - OT, Dan Connor - ILB
They just couldn't pass this lil' big neck nigga up. Damn I hope he recovers fully. If he does, he'll be better than McFadden. Connor isn't very athletic, but he's incredibly white and pressed to bother people; a lethal combination for an active linebacker. I bet if you broke into his parents basement, you would find a shrine dedicated to Zach Thomas. |
Bears
 |
D+ |
Key Player(s) acquired: Chris Williams, - OT, Earl Bennett -RB
Goddamn, a whole bunch of linemen are getting paid. I'm gonna stop discouraging my son not to eat so much. Being marginally athletic, while fat can get you paid. Most had Brandon Albert higher, but either way after Williams and Matt Forte, who was a a bit of a force in the second, Chicago just shitted away most of the remainder of their draft. How they don't draft Henne or Brohm will be a question asked by generations in the future right along with, "How in the hell did Bush get two terms?" |
Cardinals
 |
B+ |
Key Player(s) acquired: Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie - CB, Calais Campbell - DE, Early Doucet - WR
They need a game breaker at RB, but I loved their draft otherwise. Pairing up Rodgers-Cromartie with Antrel Roach-Rolle in the defensive backfield will be as exciting as a mouth full of Pop Rocks. My only regret in 'Zona's draft is that Early Doucet wasn't drafted by the Eagles. I would pay money to watch him walk a South Philly street and hear his name called every five seconds. |
Lions
 |
C |
Key Player(s) acquired: Kevin Smith - RB, Andre Fluellen - DT
Let's see here, the first half of their draft sucked grabbing an inferior lineman too early and the back end of their draft included a feel good pick in Caleb Campbell. I don't care shit about that. When I want feel good, I turn to TV One and watch my man G. Garvin make it rain with that season salt...having said that, the Kevin Smith pick did make me feel good, knowing that for the first time since Barry retired, I may be entertained by a Lion in the backfield on Turkey Day. |
Ravens
 |
A |
Key Player(s) acquired: Joe Flacco - QB, Ray Rice - RB, Tom Zbikowski
GREAT DRAFT. Flacco was my top QB on the board. Ray Rice should fit in nice with Willis as neither of them need to carry the ball 25 times a game and Zbikowski is fearless and that's exactly the type of player Ray wants around him. This draft is further proof that Brian Billick shoulda been fired two hours after they won that Super Bowl. |
Buccaneers
 |
C+ |
Key Player(s) acquired: Akib Talib - CB, Dexter Jackson - WR
All Talib needs is to be taught some discipline and what better team to learn that around than the Buccs? OK, the Ravens, but the Tampa is a good place to learn too. Also, I think thanks are in order from Dexter Jackson to the University of Michigan for his exposure, last year. That game helped get him here. |
Cowboys
 |
B+ |
Key Player(s) acquired: Felix Jones - RB, Mike Jenkins - CB
Another show of great discipline by not going overboard trying to trade up. Felix will set Barber up for his usual second half bullying. Jenkins was a solid move just in case Pac-Man isn't reinstated or if he gets back in the league and decides to smack a new bitch. |
Steelers
 |
B |
Key Player(s) acquired: Rashard Mendenhall - RB, Limas Sweed - WR
Mendenhall, Mendenhall...Mendenhall! Teams are starting to understand one back aint gonna get it done. Good job by Pittsburgh understanding Willie Parker might not stay fast for very long if he's asked to carry so much. Limas Sweed ran the prettiest deep ball route in college, last season. Them strides be looking like the Black Stallion running for that freedom. No pun intended. |
Titans
 |
F |
Key Player(s) acquired: Chris Johnson - RB
When people bitch about getting Vince a weapon to stretch the field, they're talking about at WR, not running back, shitheads. Ugh! |
Texans
 |
B |
Key Player(s) acquired: Duane Brown - OT, Antwaun Molden - CB
In the year of the O-lineman, I would have been personally offended had the Texans not taken one in the first. That's how they get the B. In other news, I cannot wait to hear Pat Summerall stumble over, "And at the top of your screen we have Antwaun Molden---on---Anquan Boldin." That double take is gonna feel like a glitch in the Matrix to him. |
Chargers
 |
C+ |
Key Player(s) acquired: Antoine Cason - CB, Jacob Hester - FB
Hester was a bit of a reach, but with Michael Turner bolting for strip club heaven in Atlanta, I see why they made it a priority to protect LT. Cason was another questionable pick by many, but I don't think you can ever have too many DB's in a conference with the Colts and Pats. O-line has to be addressed though. |
Seahawks
 |
D |
Key Player(s) acquired: Lawrence Jackson - DE, John Carlson - TE
They need playmakers and the only one they supposedly got was from Notre Dame whose offense couldn't make a play on Halle Berry at the end of one of her hundreds of failed relationships. Damn near fail. |
49ers
 |
C- |
Key Player(s) acquired: Kentwan Balmer - DT, Chilo Rachal - OG
Bryant Young exits; Kentwan Balmer enters. Sounds ideal, but rarely does shit like anchors of your defense landing in your lap work out as such. Kentwan better hit the weight room unless he wants to see most of his rookie plays sitting on his ass. |
Giants
 |
A+ |
Key Player(s) acquired: Kenny Phillips - S, Terrell Thomas - CB, Mario Manningham - WR
Not only do I and every other "Draft Guru" owe Jerry Reese an A+ from last year, but he actually had another good one. Kenny Phillips at safety offsets Gibril Wilson's departure. And if anyone can bring out the super in Mario Manningham, who better than the former Wolverine Amani Toomer? Kehl is another one of those pressed linebacker types always around the ball and Andre Woodson is an athlete who no one has a clue on how to use, but will make plays in the preseason prompting announcers to ask, "How the hell did he slip so far?" |
Packers
 |
D |
Key Player(s) acquired: Jordy Nelson - WR, Brian Brohm - QB
This just in: Green Bay just drafted another QB...No, but seriously, this team has no direction. |
Eagles
 |
C- |
Key Player(s) acquired: Trevor Laws - DT, DeShawn Jackson - WR
Alright now, Notre Dame continues to suck, yet their players are drafted high year after year like they did something of merit in college. It's like watching Tila Tequila get renewed for eight more seasons. Jackson is a field stretcher, but he has to get stronger and work on technique to get better. |
Browns
 |
N/A |
Key Player(s) acquired: Beau Bell - ILB
Their first pick was in the fourth round. Anyone not named Kiper or Schwab claiming to know anything about these guys is lying. |
Vikings
 |
C+ |
Key Player(s) acquired: Tyrell Johnson - S, John David Booty - QB
I went back and forth on this one and though I'm not a big fan of Johnson, based on some saying the Giants should have taken him in the first round, I'll back off my opinion a bit. It really had nothing to do with him anyway. I just thought Minny should have taken Brohm or Henne with that pick, but since they got Booty, they...ya know, I'm gonna save my treasure joke for when he does something during the season. Why waste a good pirate booty joke when only diehard Vikings fans are even reading this far down? |
Redskins
 |
A |
Key Player(s) acquired: Devin Thomas - WR, Colt Brennan - QB
Just so you know, they're getting a grade of A solely because they didn't mortgage their future on a free agent. They tried and all, but the bottom line is it didn't happen. Somewhere at the Vatican an angel is crying. |
Colts
 |
B- |
Key Player(s) acquired: Mike Pollak - OT, Mike Hart - RB
As long as Pollak can keep people off Peyton's ass, he'll be viewed as a success and I don't care what he ran or how small he is, Mike Hart in the 6th round is a steal and coupled with his midget complex, the boy's mean streak is going to take his me against the world attitude to Pac like proportions. |
