FiyaStarter.com - Arson Palmer

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“I was gonna drive around
the corner and get a blow job.”
-Charles Barkley
Drunk ass political hopeful.

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NFL FIYA 2005 Awards
by: Arson Palmer for Sports

Forget those other awards, these matter more.

Offensive MVP: Clinton Portis, RB

Yes, we know what Shawn Alexander did. So what? Clinton is more entertaining and thanks to him Santana Moss looked more like Randy Moss this season than...well, Randy Moss. CP 3000 not making the Pro-Bowl is blasphemy. I don't know who he would replace but there's no way he doesn't get a ticket to Hawaii. No fucking way. The bulk of his 1500 yards and 11 TDs came late in the season when Joe Gibbs finally decided to give him the rock. Coincidentally the Skins went on an incredible run and slid into the playoffs afterwards. His running prowess made Brunell's rag armed ass look like an all pro. This was a hard decision, but when 3000's mom punched a Philly fan (in Philly!), it was all but wrapped up. Umm, did I say he's the most entertaining dude in sports? Those characters are fuckin GOLD!

Runner Up: Tiki Barber, RB
Simply put, he was the NY Giants' Kobe Bryant. He ran, received, blocked, sold cotton candy, chauffeured Eli Manning around town in a Phantom, picked loose food from between Michael Strahan's gap, tied colorful rubber bands on the end of Plaxico Burress's braids (no Karamo) and helped remove the Diallo broom stick from Coach Coughlin's ass around week 10.

Defensive MVP: Nathan Vasher, DB

Sure Urlacher is the sexy pick here (mad? Well, direct your disgust at Tony Kornheiser; it's his word), but Vasher, in only his second year, was a sure tackler who read receivers better than a cheat sheet in the back row of a crowded college hall. He played all 16 games and had eight interceptions. Against the 49ers when Chi-town wind whipped a Joe Nedney field goal attempt into the back of the end zone, Nate dog, picked it up and ran 108 yards for a score. Goddamn, that's a long way to run. I would have pitched that shit to somebody around the 40 and got my Gatorade or something. And to you nitpickers who say that's a special teams play, I say go to hell. It's still 108 yards.

Runner Up: Deltha O'Neal, DB

We knew Deltha was pretty good, but not this good. I have no idea how he made it to ten interceptions. You would think teams would stop throwing his way, but their ignorant asses just kept on testing him. Cincy's defense was far from great, but not because of O'Neal. In fact, he's probably the only reason the Bengals didn't give up 400 yards a game this year. If Denver could have kept him and Chump Bailey, opposing teams would have only had three options on offense: run, throw to the slot, punt.

Coach of the Year: Lovie Smith

OK, so your name is Lovie, and on top of that you take a terrible team and make a good defense so damn great it doesn't even matter when your starting quarterback goes down and you're forced to turn to a rookie named Kyle with the most hideous beard this side of Koy Detmer. I've said it before, I'm not calling them the '85 Bears, but at least Ditka had an offense. This Black man's will to win was harder than the Soldier Field surface that Thomas Jones runs hard on every week.

Runner Up: Tony Dungy

Monday, November 7, 2005 - Indianapolis plays New England. Tony Dungy convinces Peyton Manning he doesn't have to throw up in his mouth.

Offensive Rookie of the Year: Carnell "Cadillac" Williams, RB

Those first three weeks of the season, Carnell looked like he was going to collect the big MVP and a big ass check from Cadillac Motors. An injury and defensive game-plans slowed him down, but he still finished with 1,178 and 6 TDs. Good first season.

Runner Up: Ronnie Brown, RB

Lost in the trunk of the Caddy, was Ronnie Brown's season. Had it not been for the Dolphins shopping "Sticky Ricky" around for much of the season, Ronnie could have possibly taken this award. In a game no one in the world saw (good job, DirecTV) against the Chiefs on a Friday night in October, Brown had one of the most spectacular plays of the season. He took a hand-off and rolled around the left side of the line where some KC simp tried to get low on him. I remember watching the highlight late that night after I got back from the club. I almost spit half of my steak sandwich out, exclaiming "Nigga What!" as Ronnie Bone dipped on dude and scampered 65 yards down the sideline like the Burger King - King. 907 yards, 4 TDs and not smoking, or at least getting caught smoking in the same locker room as the lunatic who made this the hardest race in which to choose a winner.

Defensive Rookie of the Year: Shawne Merriman, LB

In the Eli Manning draft day trade of two years ago, the New York Giants were faced with a dilemma. To get Droopy dog, they would have to either give up their first round pick that year as well as the following year or give up defensive lineman Osi Umenyiora. Instead of playing hardball and holding out for a better deal, New York's General Manager, Ernie Accorsi folded like a defendant on the stand during the last five minutes of any episode of Law & Order. The Giants surrender the pick to the Chargers and they draft Shawne Merriman, whose neck is bigger than Star Jones' thighs were in '04. Shawne and Osi both make the Pro Bowl in '06 and Accorsi prays for God that no one notices that the Giants need a linebacker more than the aforementioned Jones now needs a new wardrobe, as her thighs have considerably lessened. Barring an injury, or four alarm blaze at his residence with only Dean Cain available to save him, he'll be the best linebacker in the league in two years.

Runner Up: Lofa Tatupu, LB

He's good. Next year we're gonna learn how to pronounce his name, too.

Comeback Player of the Year: Tedy Bruschi, LB

I absolutely hate the way he spells his first name and want to roll both of his parents' ankles for giving it to him, but all jokes aside -- a guy who loves the game so much, he not only aspires to but does get out on a football field the same year his heart almost stops ticking like the cheapest iced out watch you'll find on Lennox Ave. receives this award, every time, without thinking twice.

Runner Up: Ty Law, DB

The most disrespected man in football (no Brady), bar none. Somebody give him a three-year deal, so we can all stop seeing him every August on SportsCenter crying for one. I'm not even being funny, he really does deserve it.

NFL 2005 All Pro Team

First Team FIYA Offense
QB	Tom Brady
RB	Clinton Portis 3000 (NOOOOOOPE)
FB	Shaun Alexander (Fine, now stop crying)
TE	Antonio Gates
WR	Steve Smith, Chad Johnson
OL	Half of Denver's line, half of KC's line and toss a coin for the Center
First Team FIYA Defense
DE	Michael Strahan, Julius Peppers
DL (no Karamo)	Tommie Harris, Jamal Williams
LB	Derrick Brooks, Joey Porter, Brian Urlacher
CB	Chump Bailey, Deltha O'Neal
S	Troy Polamalu, Dat Vasser
Special Teams
Please, I wish it was four and out like on Madden before niggas found morals.