FIYA NBA
Rankings #7 |
Rank |
Team |
FIYA Analysis |
1 |
Lakers
 |
Some people think Lamar Odom of the NBA Los Angeles Lakers has never quite lived up to his promise. Well, I say it depends on what he promised. For instance, if he promised to tease NBA teams with flashes of brilliance to get some poor owner to throw millions of dollars at him, I think he succeeded. He succeeded at making money by putting forth little effort to do what he was paid to do. So, the man's an American success story, I think. |
2 |
Celtics
 |
A few years ago Doc Rivers got fired after leading the Magic of Orlando to a 1-10 start. Looking back, it's the best thing that ever happened to him, considering his best option at center at one point was a homosexual. That'd be John Amaechi, who later revealed he liked cock, while he was starting at center for Rivers. So it seems God had a plan for Doc. He just had to test him with a massive gay center who wasn't very good. |
3 |
Cavs
 |
Mo Williams and LeBron are quite the 1-2 punch. In fact, folks in Cleveland are trying to come up with a nickname for the tandem. I got one: "Please, God, don't let LeBron get injured, because we'd lose a lot of games." |
4 |
Magic
 |
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5 |
Rockets
 |
Tracy McGrady sure has fallen off, hasn't he? In fact, McGrady's play is so disappointing that when kids ask him for his autograph and he asked who to make it out to they spit in his face. |
6 |
Blazers
 |
A lot of people are concerned by the play of Greg Oden these days. Not me. I mean, the kid has a bum knee and no offensive skills whatsoever, so he's about where I expected him to be. Now, the skills can improve, but that knee's only gonna deteriorate rapidly as he ages. He'll be lucky if he's still playing when he's 30, because of that bad, worthless knee he's got. It's like before the draft, everyone was like "Oh, this kid can't miss. Only a really bad injury can stop him from being a Hall of Famer." And then he ruined his knee, which most people need to be healthy and strong at the start of their careers, if they wanna reach the Hall of Fame. |
7 |
Nuggets
 |
Carmelo just doesn't seem like the same player without his cornrows. Before he cut his hair, he was an explosive leaper and great jump shooter. After the haircut, LeBron really improved and left him in the dust. |
8 |
Pistons
 |
I thought I'd never see anyone as bad as Michael Curry was on a basketball court. He was truly terrible. Then, he got a coaching job. And he's worse at that. Awful player. But, he's managed to make the Pistons worse as their coach than he did as a bad player. |
9 |
Suns
 |
The Suns look old, don't they? A lot of people don't realize that the Suns are so old that they're too old to win an NBA title, as, generally, a collection of old men don't win championships. |
10 |
Jazz
 |
Folks, would you stop asking when Jerry Sloan is going to retire? If Jerry Sloan was going to retire, he would have died already. |
11 |
Hawks
 |
Once the Hawks figure out how to beat the Celtics, Orlando and Dwight Howard will kick the hell out of them. |
12 |
Raptors
 |
Jermaine O'Neal is playing as well as could be expected. And now that no one expects him to play well anymore, he's having a pretty good season. |
13 |
Hornets
 |
If anyone thinks Peja is just a shooter, they haven't been paying attention. He's good at calling for the ball, too. Calling for the ball is a prelude to shooting it. You can't do one without the other. |
14 |
Spurs
 |
It must be great being Tony Parker. He's young. He's won several championships. And he's got a hot wife. The only thing that would make his life even better is if his wife would just stop partying so much and having sex with other men. That's gotta put a damper on things. |
15 |
Nets
 |
Vince Carter looks like a new man lately. It must be all the new pussy he's getting after his wife of three years divorced him, gave him no children and took ten of millions out of his pocket. Seems like a fair trade. He's playing better and she used him. |
16 |
Knicks
 |
The Knicks seem to have a good thing going. They cleared lots of cap space and the guys seem to enjoy playing for their coach, Mike D'Antoni. In fact, the only thing they need now is for Eddy Curry's heart to explode. That'll close the book on him. Then, they could use the money to sign a guy with a good heart. |
17 |
Mavs
 |
After being torched by former player Devin Harris, a lot of Mavs fans are saying the team made a mistake by trading him for Jason Kidd. I dunno, I think the fans and the media are being unfair. Sure, trading Devin looks bad now, but who could've predicted that? It's not like it was a predictably bad idea, like, say, the time Dirk suggested "Hitler Day." |
18 |
Heat
 |
Mike Beasley may not be performing well on the court, but he's sure having a lot of sex with strange women. |
19 |
Bulls
 |
You guys know Vinny Del Negro? Ya know, the coach of the Chicago Bulls? Well, see, he's Italian and he dresses well. And he works in Chicago. See what I'm getting at here? Now, some may think he fits the profile of, say, a mob guy. Well, I think that's a tough sell, because if he were in Mafia, he'd be able to get a group of young black guys to respect him. You see, 'cause young black guys like the Mafia folks? |
20 |
76ers
 |
The folks in Philadelphia are upset at Elton Brand, the man they thought would lead them to championship glory. Brand responded to the criticism by telling the fans to "STOP MURDERING EACH OTHER!" |
21 |
Pacers
 |
Is anyone playing better than Danny Granger these days? If there is, they don't play in Indiana very often. |
22 |
Bucks
 |
Andrew Bogut gets called "solid" so much that I'm starting to wonder if it's become some sort of euphemism for "He's not playing like a #1 pick, but he's white and keeps his head down, so we'll give him a pass." |
23 |
Warriors
 |
The best thing about Andris Biedrins is that he plays in the paint and he didn't recommend taking an entire day to honor Hitler. |
24 |
Timberwolves
 |
Coach and GM Kevin McHale said he has no regrets about trading OJ Mayo for Kevin Love. McHale explained his reasoning, stating "Mayo is an elite NBA scorer and he's only going to get better, but we felt Kevin was whiter and that's what we need right now. We need white men to play for our team to appease our white fans." |
25 |
Kings
 |
Many people were surprised to learn that Shelden Williams and Candace Parker ran off and got married. More people were surprised to learn that she lets him have sex with her. Because he's ugly. |
26 |
Clippers
 |
I must say, I'm amazed that Zach Randolph can score as well as he does with little to no leaping ability. Almost as surprising is the fact that he hasn't been in jail yet. |
27 |
Grizzlies
 |
Mike Conley Jr. looks like a bust, huh? If he keeps playing like he's been playing, he might as well start training for the triple jump, like his dad. He can be like his father and be a triple jumper. In the Olympics. |
28 |
Bobcats
 |
That Michael Jordan sure knows how to amass some talent, huh? He's got a stable of young co-ed whores throughout the Research Triangle. |
29 |
Thunder
 |
Earl Watson is upset than rookie Russell Westbrook has replaced him as the team's starting PG. Franchise player Kevin Durant put things in perspective for Watson, telling the vet, "You are not good." |
30 |
Wizards
 |
Etan Thomas is one of the most politically active players in the league. Etan's so active in politics, I once heard a fan yell to him "Hey, Etan, after you're done playing, you should run for office, so I can assassinate you for being bad at basketball." |
