FIYA NBA
Rankings #2 |
Rank |
Team |
FIYA Analysis |
1 |
Spurs
 |
Too Easy. They are on cruise control. |
2 |
Magic
 |
NOPE!!! They just beat the Celtics. Top three. |
3 |
Hornets
 |
|
4 |
Mavs
 |
If Josh Howard, Avery Johnson and Erick Dampier had a fish sandwich eating competition, the only fair way to judge the winner would be by who had the most mayonnaise in the corner of their mouth. |
5 |
Suns
 |
The Nash MVP talk has already started. Two weeks. He's MVP. Wow. |
6 |
Celtics
 |
After watching his team lose its first game, Danny Ainge promptly grabbed the phone and offered Larry Bird Scalabrine and Posey for Jamal Tinsley. |
7 |
Pistons
 |
So much is made of Joe Dumars' front office success in comparison to Isiah's, but let's talk about the elephant in the room...Dumars himself. That man is well over 300 pounds and he might even be bigger than Barkley. Are people just gonna ignore this? |
8 |
Nuggets
 |
Filming has started on the AI and Melo penned drama, That Amazin' Laced Shit and Bubba Chuck, which is being billed as a sequel to the classic Amazing Grace and Chuck, which starred Nuggets legend Alex English. |
9 |
Rockets
 |
Who gets hurt more often from playing around with a bunch of niggas? T-Mac or black women? |
10 |
Jazz
 |
Jerry Sloan STILL ain't happy? What an ornery old bastard. |
11 |
Lakers
 |
In his most recent attempt to repair his strained relationship with Andrew Bynum, Kobe Bryant presented the rapidly developing young center with a toy train set. Bynum responded by sitting down, folding his legs and smiling for three hours, as he watched the trains and Kobe come full circle. |
12 |
Raptors
 |
After a slow start, they're getting it together. Kapono and Parker are gonna bomb the Celtics out of the playoffs. Remember I said it. |
13 |
Pacers
 |
Am I the only one noticing Jermaine O' Neal's decline this year? He ain't what he used to be. |
14 |
Bucks
 |
Michael Redd has the kind of hairline that can give you insight into the sensitivity of video game designers. They have to make that call to show it or not. |
15 |
Cavs
 |
I know LeBron done told Usher to sell his stake in that team, because he's leaving in 2010. It's illegal and them niggas gettin' caught. |
16 |
Bobcats
 |
After giving up nearly $200 million to ex-wife Juanita in their divorce settlement, Cheese Eyes still maintains that having Nick Anderson pick his pocket in the 1995 playoffs is his single greatest defeat. |
17 |
Clippers
 |
Maggs done got hurt. They'll hold that against him during contract negotiations. That boy stays hurt. And then he goes and builds a hummer with a glass interior. |
18 |
Nets
 |
After snaggin 19 boards in his last game, Jason Kidd bought some yogurt and went on a date with some poor unsuspecting girl. |
19 |
Blazers
 |
Fine. I was wrong. LaMarcus Aldridge is good. I be watching him with the same delighted horror as I do watching a sista return something without a receipt; it's good, but I can't believe it's happening. |
20 |
Warriors
 |
Monta Ellis will never be the player he's capable of being with Baron's dam-building ass there. |
21 |
Grizzlies
 |
Memphis' twin white man towers are working about as well as one might suspect they would. When the fuck have twin white man towers ever worked? |
22 |
Heat
 |
Shaq responded to Wade's challenge by eating a foot long sub in his face, while wearing all four of his rings. |
23 |
76ers
 |
If every team in the league ran a relay race, the Sixers, with Iggy, Carney, Green and Williams would win easily. |
24 |
Wizards
 |
Etan is teaming with JJ Redick to write a book of poetry, which is tentatively titled, We're Sorry and Sensitive. |
25 |
Bulls
 |
The Carl Lewis Team. Slow out the blocks, hits its top speed mid-race, blows past opponents and bursts into a gay celebration near the end. And then they get screwed mightily and sent home. |
26 |
Knicks
 |
On the latest episode of Everybody Hates Zeke, the Zany Commish's latest attempt to ruin Zeke's happiness is foiled by powerful Cablevision owner Charles Dolan, who sat down with The Commish and responded to his threat to "fire Zeke or else" by jerking off into a glass of brandy, placing one ice cube in it and offering it to him. |
27 |
Sonics
 |
So far, Kevin Durant's performances have been the basketball equivalent of Natalie Portman, powerfully precocious, with the promise of future greatness...and then just Blaaaaah. I swear I saw Andy Samberg at a Sonic's game last week. Fuckin' Samberg, man. |
28 |
Hawks
 |
I'm still amazed they haven't traded one of their young players yet. Do they really need Josh Childress? |
29 |
Kings
 |
Mike Bibby is on the phone with Pat Riley right now and the begging is mutual. |
30 |
T-Wolves
 |
After getting their first win, the Wolves players were stunned when GM Kevin McHale stormed into their locker room and passed out photographs of Mike Beasley, OJ Mayo and Derrick Rose, and then left without saying a word. |
