FIYA NBA
'07
**Season Preview** |
Rank |
Team |
FIYA Analysis |
1 |
Spurs
 |
|
2 |
Suns
 |
As
much as I want to see Grant Hill win a ring for all that
he’s been through, I will not be able to live in
a world where Nash is a champion. You think NFL announcers
love Favre? Okay, let Nash get one and watch what happens. |
3 |
Rockets
 |
More
like the Rockettes. If either of these soft ass dudes miss
more than ten games this year, they can just give it a
rest. |
4 |
Mavs
 |
I
feel sorry for Dirk. Remember when he accepted the MVP?
The last time I saw a human being look that ashamed to
be honored for their “performance” was at the
end of Orgy World 7, when some lil glazed up white
girl was declared “the best.” They shoulda
just let Brian Pumper present Dirk with that award. |
5 |
Jazz
 |
If
Kirilenko fuck up my fantasy teams this year… |
6 |
Pistons
 |
Stuckey
is gonna give them that extra little scoring punch that
they need off the bench. |
7 |
Heat
 |
I
want the recording of Ricky Dogg being told he’s
been shipped to South Beach. I have an idea of how funny
it was, but I know my imagination can’t beat the
real thing. |
8 |
Celtics
 |
Not
one of these dudes can get hurt, because they ain’t
winning anything at full strength, anyway. |
9 |
Bulls
 |
Paxon
already made the mistake of not trading Hinrich and then
overpaying him. If he does the same with Gordon, he will
have wasted more assets than Pablo Escobar. |
10 |
Cavs
 |
They
are about to take a big step back, but it might be for
the best. LMAO, man, why do we even care? LeBron is leaving. |
11 |
Nuggets
 |
This
team is the reason I kinda smirked when the Celtics picked
up KG. Because this team is actually better than the Celtics.
In a series, the Nuggets would beat the shit outta them.
Knowing that should tell you everything you need to know
about the West, the East, the Nuggets chances and the Celtics
chances. |
12 |
Warriors
 |
I
have no idea why I put them this high. They were headed
for the lotto, because dumb ass Bad Dad the Liar bailed
them out. Can they maintain the intensity? Probably not,
because they traded the only dude that looks like Mike
Irvin. If you don’t get it, visit the fuckin site
more. Not our problem. |
13 |
Hornets
 |
Ever
since Rod Strickland retired, I've been waiting for an
heir to the Shape-Up throne. Chris Paul has taken the title
and run with it. No one is even close. And he also finishes
in traffic better than anyone since Strick. |
14 |
Raptors
 |
Dat
Barn Yanni, y’all. The best fantasy ball prospect
since…well, Darko. |
15 |
Magic
 |
On
the low, they done put a whole bunch of shooters around
Howard. They’re either gonna miss a lot all year
or scare the shit outta someone in the playoffs. |
16 |
Knicks
 |
If
these dudes don’t act like they got some sense, Isiah
is gonna be a popcorn sellin’, mid-major and historically
black college job huntin’ ass nigga. |
17 |
Grizzlies
 |
Kyle
Lowry gave Mike Conley that grimey ass Philly mean mug,
like, “Nah, we ain’t friends, bitch. This
my shit.” And Conley has been playing like he
believes it. |
18 |
Nets
 |
I
cannot wait to see Sean Williams get in a fight. He is
gonna shoulder block some fool unconscious. That boy’s
upper body looks like he got punched in and around the
chest for his entire childhood. |
19 |
Lakers
 |
Kobe
gotta be cursing in Italian at this point. And you know
Joe Bean is somewhere going, “I told him not
to marry that girl.” Kobe’s got no one.
I bet that nigga's gonna be like Prince in Purple Rain this year, talking to a lil doll in locker-room after the
games, after all his teammates walk out on him in disgust.
But, alas, there will be no triumphant guitar solo at the
end. He’s just gonna lose and be mad. |
20 |
Wizards
 |
Gil
is still on joke time. We’ll see how funny things
are when they look like shit this year. Just because you
don’t get shot in Barry Farms, that don’t mean
you’re bulletproof, doggie. Haywood’s lips
are gonna start poking out and Eddie Jordan is gonna start
updating his resume. |
21 |
Sonics
 |
I
know Durant, Jeff Green and Delonte are gonna be reppin’ Da
Urrea so hard up there that Pearl Jam’s next album
will have a collabo with Rare Essence. |
22 |
Clippers
 |
As
soon as Elton’s tendon tore, Nipsey Baylor shoulda
tore Dunleavy’s extension. |
23 |
Bucks
 |
Mo
Williams got his money. Now, we get to see if he’s
serious or not. I also look for Chucky V to have a huge
comeback year. |
24 |
Bobcats
 |
Jordan
is the worst talent evaluator I have ever seen. He also
can’t draft. See, now, that was a joke about all
those ugly women he fucks.
*Don Rickles two-step* |
25 |
Blazers
 |
I
love how Blazers GM Kevin Pritchard can run these variables
through his little head and still be sure he made the right
call: catastrophic knee injury to Greg Oden, the explosive
potential of LeMarcus Aldridge and the can’t missitude
of Kevin Durant. I know we can’t see the future,
y’all, but that’s EXACTLY what a GM’s
job is. |
26 |
Pacers
 |
Speaking
of not seeing the future…or anything, THIS dumb
ass fool. What is he doing? Will somebody please talk about
this muhfucka?!?!? He is terrible. He’s about to
trade J.O. for garbage…white trash, even. It’s
coming, Jermaine O’Neal for Bogut…you know
it’s coming. |
27 |
76ers
 |
Andre
Miller has to be wondering what went wrong with his grand
scheme to join the Spurs. He just looks like a Spur. There’s
still hope. |
28 |
Hawks
 |
I
done already heard: Al and Acie have already fallen victim
to the Curse of Sista Ass. Sista Ass is good for you in
proper proportions; that’s why visiting teams be
beatin’ the shit outta the Hawks. But, when you’re
gettin’ that prime cut Southern smoked goodness on
the regular? WRAP! I hope them boys calm down soon. More
time with Joe and Josh and less time with Freaky Marv and
Speedy. |
29 |
Kings
 |
I
was almost willing to buy into the idea that they could
make a run at the postseason. Then, Bibby got hurt. It’s
over before it began with this team. It’s okay, the
Maloofs will just go back to Vegas and fade into Bolivian…and
hot skanky whores. |
30 |
Timberwolves
 |
Remember
I said this: that moron saved himself when he drafted Corey
Brewer. |
