I swear to God we tried to number these guys, but do you have any idea of how difficult it is to rank how ignorant someone sounds in comparison to another ignorant sounding person? Our brains almost blew up. No more trying that shit, ever again. Here’s the list:
Leon Spinks
-first name I thought of. I can’t really tell you why. Certainly there are some comparable inarticulate people on this list, but when I think about him and those missing teeth destroying some English, I get inspired.
Magic Johnson
-everybody loves Earv, the man. No one loves Earv, the enunciator.
Tommy Hearns
-I know; it’s because he got hit in the head too many times, but shit, so did Ray Leonard and he may blink more, but at least you can understand him.
Donnell Harvey
-when he won the high school All-American dunk contest back in 1999, the courtside reporter asked him what he did special for victory and Donnell said something like, “I ran towards the basket, jumped and---I’m da winnah.” I’m never erasing that VHS tape.
Drunk John Riggins
-drunk John was the greatest on the field, whether it was running the counter trey or attempting to explain how he ran it in the post-game presser.
Joe Jacoby
-ever heard of somebody that talked ugly? That’s Joe. I swear he had two big ass Idaho potatoes hidden in each cheek for his entire career.
Michael Jordan
-Phil Knight and David Faulk did what they could, but those big ass lips would always revert back to their ignorant ways, especially when angry. “I can still sco da bawl,” is an all-time great clip from Cheese Eyes.
Allen Iverson
-it’s one thing when your college coach doesn’t allow you to give interviews, but when you’re two or three years in the league and you’re PR people won’t let you near a mic, there’s something else to it.
Charles Barkley
-probably the funniest fat man on TV, but let’s be honest, aside from the word “fantastic,” he butchers everything else.
Moses Malone
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA, he skipped school. He didn’t care. “Fo-Fo-Fo.”
Charles Oakley
-he worked all of one night on TNT’s Inside The NBA. I remember. You want to talk about uncomfortable. When Ernie and them started using three and four syllable words, I’ve seen prostitutes at Tuesday bible study look more comfortable than Oak.
Tim Hardaway
-I still want to know who hired him. How?
Boris Becker
-I’m suspicious he was really articulate, but just pretended not to be to get some black pussy, because he thought that’s what black women liked. That’s racist, Boris.
Bob Sura
-I promise you, the first time I heard him talk, I thought my TV was having audio-video delay problems, because they had just got finished talking to his Florida State teammate Sam Cassell…
Sam Cassell
-…because Sam be fuckin them words up.
Alonzo Spellman
-never completed one coherent sentence. Probably because he was plum crazy…but even still.
Dan Fouts
-not that Dan was really inarticulate, but him trying keep up with Dennis Miller and Al Michaels made him sound like he was pretty fucking stupid.
Floyd Sr. & Roger Mayweather
-if you hurry, you still might be able to catch De La Hoya/Mayweather 24/7 on HBO On-Demand. That should clear this one up.
Mike Tyson
-right behind Leon, in my thoughts about this whole thing.
Lester Hayes
-well, he may have been unofficially retarded, but we have no real proof, so he stays.
Ron Harper
-and he’s an assistant coach for Pete’s sake. Can you imagine standing there waiting for him to finish?
Patrick Ewing
-Pat gets half a pass because of the Jamaican heritage, but my ex-girlfriend’s father was Jamaican too and I was only puzzled a third of the time he spoke in comparison to 75 with Pat. (Hi, Mr. W J )
Michael Ray Richardson
-“The ship be sinking.” Almost poetic, isn’t it?
Charles Shackleford
-this is the nigga that said amphibious when he meant to say ambidextrous, right? Keeper.
*Do you have any Inarticulate Pro Athletes we missed? Let us know.
