FiyaStarter.com - Linwood Jenkins

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--Standing 6-4, 220 pounds, Linwood was the star center for Mary McLeod Bethune High School in Bucktown, Alabama, a small community of approximately 250 African-Americans that was located right outside of Adulasia. According to the school’s official scorekeeper, Linwood’s uncle, Sylvester, Linwood averaged 76 points, 48 rebounds and 43 blocks, 34 steals and 2 assists a game during his senior season. “The boy just had a gift. People say he only dominated like he did because he was four inches taller than the next tallest kid, but that ain’t have nothing to do with it. He could stand still and dunk that ball from the free throw line. He shot 98% percent from the line because of that.” Sylvester adds that Linwood wasn’t selected to play in the 1982, where he would have faced Cheese Eyes McDonald’s All-American game “because of racism.”

FIYA Blogging the 2008 NBA Draft
by: Linwood Jenkins, for Sports

FiyaStarter is proud to present you with our instantaneous thoughts on the worst draft since the famed class of 2000.

7:00 PM - Fuck a pre-show. I'm baking me some chicken and dominate this here Wii Tennis for a while. I'll be back.

7:37 PM - Bulls take Derrick Rose at #1. Kirk Hinrich aint gonna go quietly. He's gonna act like the evil white guy at the end of a black folks comedy (*see Strictly Business). I wouldn't worry about Rose being the leader as long as Noah is on the roster. No one leads Noah. His personality won’t allow it.

7:45 PM - Let them act dumb and not take Beasley. I will blow up the world!

7:48 PM - Heat select Micheal Beasley at #2. ROY!!! Damn, Da Urrea is so dominant! Pat Riley needs to shut up and line them sun-kissed Latinas and Persian hoes up for that boy so he don't get himself into trouble lookin’ for 'em. If he fucks up, that's on Pat, because the only thing that'll get this kid in trouble is pussy. period.

7:55 PM - Wolves select OJ Mayo at #3. Powerful pick by Captain Christmas Sweater. (*edit he traded him, still a moron)

8:01 PM - Sonics take Rusell Westbrook at #4. A slight surprise. They already got a UCLA defender at PG in Earl Sparky Watson, but I guess they figure two is better.

8:04 PM - Grizz takes Kevin Love at #5. My nigga. They need to do some cute commercials with him and Wes Unseld throwing outlet passes at random targets. Good comedy. NOPE!!!! I see you, Junior Exec Who Reads FS...don't steal. (*edit, even better, Junior Exec Who Reads FS traded for Mayo. Fuckin A)

8:12 PM - LMAO!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! An I-talian bum?!?!?!?! FIYA!!!!!! I'M COOKIN!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! LOL!!!! They gonna fail!!! hahahahahahahaha. I'M FRYING THEM ALL NEXT YEAR!!! Oh yeah, Pringles Man/Knicks select Danilo Gallinari at #6.

8:22 PM - Clippers select Eric Gordon at #7. Great pick. They need a scorer, because Corey is outta there.

8:25 PM - Buck take White Man at #8. Whatever.

8:29 PM - Bobcats select A PG WITH A JUMPER FOR ONCE at #9. Larry ain't gonna sit around and wait for Felton to make open ass shots. Y'all crazy. LB got an image to repair.

8:30 PM - Nets take Brook Lopez at #10. Don't care.

8:56 PM - Bad Dad takes Jerryd Bayless at #11. Hmmmm. Good pick. Moving on...

8:58 PM - Kings take Jason Thompson at #12. So?

9:00 PM - Blazers take Brandon Rush at #13. They are loaded. They gonna start trading in a minute.

9:01 PM - Warriors take Anthony Randolph at #14. Translation: mulligan.

9:03 PM - Suns take Robin Lopez at #15. I like this pick. The Big Vasectomy needs to rest his knees and his mic.

9:05 PM - Sixers select Marresse Speights at #16. *Shrug*

9:14 PM - Raptors take Roy Hibbert at #17. Great. They got even slower.

9:17 PM - Wizards select JaVale McGee at #18. Who fucking cares. They’re mediocre and they’re gonna stay that way.

9:22 PM - Cavs take JJ Hickson at #19. GREAT PICK!!! He’s gonna jump real high and dunk on people. Ben Wallace will help him improve his bamma skills, too.

9:35 PM - Bobcats take Alexis Ajinca at #20. Damn, his eyes yellow.

9:37 PM - Nets take Ryan Anderson at #21. Horrible and rushed.

9:48 PM - Magic takes Courtney Lee at #22. SVG just shit on JJ Redick. Powerful and not subtle at all.

9:50 PM - Jazz select Kosta Koufus at #23. Good. Now Bilas can shut the fuck up. Sheesh.

9:56 PM - Sonics take Serge Ibabka at #24. They are pressed for unpolished scrubs. Do the fuckin DeBeers own the Sonics or something? Because they keep lookin for...hold,,,,wait for it....*two steps, while cupping cognac*...African diamonds in the rough. NOOOOOPE!!!! You won't hear that joke nowhere else. Another FS exclusive.

10:01 PM - Rockets take Nicolas Batum at #25. First real steal of the night.

10:03 PM - That chicken was good and all, but I need a lil’ late night snack. I think I’ll go for the Cheetos. Speaking of which, where is Screamin A. Smith, this year? This is the only sport he knows about. The fuck?

10:06 PM - Spurs take George Hill at #26. Insurance salesman name, but an NBA game.

10:11 PM - Hornets take Darrell Arthur at 27. Bout time. Good for him. And a steal.

10:33 PM - Grizz select Donte Green at #28. THE steal. How'd this happen?

10:34 PM - Pistons take DJ White at #29. Dumars continues his Hard Working Undersized Black Guy Streak.

10:35 PM - Celtics take JR Giddens at #30....GODDAMN JR GIDDENS SMOKE WEED!!! LMAO!!!! Them lips are blatant as hell. He did not look like that at Kansas. Damn them joints black as fuck.

I AM NOT COVERING ALL RD 2. WHO CARES!

10:38 PM - I hate people that hate Dickey V. That speech was inspirational as fuck. Yeah, y'all, keep your dreams alive.

10:43 PM - GOOD!!! Boo his Mr. Roper sabotaging ass!!! LMAO!!!! DOMINATE HIM!!!! THEY CHANTIN' DAT HATE!!!

10:46 PM - I dunno if that was Joey Dorsey girl or sister, but she was real extra. He aint gonna have THAT much money these first couple of years, shorty. Chill.

10:49 PM - What in the monkey fuck?!?!?! Must improve PG skills? GET THE FUCKING DRAFT OFF ESPN!!! GODDAMN!!! Mario Chalmers improve his fuckin PG skills anymore he'd be Bob fucking Cousy!

10:58 PM - MY BAMMA!!!! Mbah A Moute!!!! He gonna try hard and succeed. Wonderful.

11:13 PM - I swear I see why Stu Scott don't ever get no high quality pussy All-Star Weekend. He's a corny ass nigga. NO IT AINT 1985; HE'S JUST NAMED AFTER HIS FATHER, YOU BAMMA ASS BAMMA NIGGA!!! DAMN!

11:14 PM - Bird ugly as fuck...look like he eat boiled eggs all the fuckin time. YOU BEEN FORTUNATE TO HAVE JO ALL THIS TIME BECAUSE YOU LIED TO HIM IN ‘03, YOU LYING UGLY FUCKHEAD FUCKER!!!

11:15 PM - Portland is pressed for all the good talent like the NWO in the 90s.

11:36 PM - Shane Foster needs to get stuck on a locker room with Gary Payton and Tim Hardaway so they fry his ass until he cries for that dumb ass song.

11:40 PM – I just put the rest of that chicken away. It’s going over a Caesar salad tomorrow. Bed time.