FiyaStarter.com - Reel Hot with Reggie Eggert

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“I was gonna drive around
the corner and get a blow job.”
-Charles Barkley
Drunk ass political hopeful.

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Reggie Eggert (30)

-Loves any movie with black people in it.
--Reggie was fired from BET.com for giving a 4-star review to Woo, which is quite possibly the worst movie ever made. Yes, worse than that. Yup, that too. It’s unforgivably bad. Reggie has learned his lesson. He promised not to give any movie with Jada Pinkett Smith in it for more than 20 minutes a rating higher than 2 and ½, because that’s all they deserve.

FiyaStarter RATING =

Fiyaballs

Movie Review

Untraceable
National Values.
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment

A lot of people were comparing Untraceable to Hostel, which is why I took so long to go see it. Now, I know what some of you are thinking; you’re thinking: “Well, goddamn Reggie, you just shat on your boy Dave for pussying out on the last Rambo flick. How are you gonna turn around and bitch out of a movie?” Well, first of all, Dave and I are friends, so we can joke around like that. You, on the other hand, don’t know me. If I hear you talking that shit, you might get punched in your neck. Be careful. And second of all, I did see the movie so your point is irrelevant.

But, to address the issue, so we don’t have any misunderstandings in the future, Reggie doesn’t do movies featuring: spiders, clowns, too many senseless gory killings or romantic storylines featuring George Clooney. Nope, I don’t care how big her ass is.

So, when I heard Untraceable was like Hostel with an internet twist, I all but wrote it off. The only thing I’m more apprehensive of seeing is a Rob Zombie movie. His trailers make me hit that cell-phone stare like I’m waiting on an important message. Sitting through a whole 90 minutes, I’m sure I’d get through every worthless email on my iPhone. Breathe easy though, folks. This movie was more Saw on the Oxygen Network than Rob Zombie.

And, just as importantly, it had an important message too, but we’ll get to that in a minute.

As the storyline goes, some disgruntled kid named Owen (Joseph Cross) that should be either teaching a technology class at M.I.T. or boning every chick in the Pacific Northwest, since he lives by himself, has set up a website where people’s deaths are broadcast over broadband and expedited depending on how many internet leeches log on to witness live death. As a result, the police are trying to catch him.

Yes, I know a criminal hiding from the police is nothing new, but take my word; it’s done effectively enough to make the story work. The nerdery displayed by this kid is simply amazing. He’s like Lester from The Wire on steroids. He uses a whole bunch of protocols, IP address changes, scripts, macros and other shit I have no understanding of to keep the police off his trail. All so he can set up elaborate killings for people like you and me that surf this web looking for twisted shit like the next “Two Girls, One Cup.” (not buying that scam, by the way).

And that leads me to my point. This country is a cesspool and too many young people are acting gay.