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FiyaStarter RATING =  Fiyaballs
BUT, guess what? Besides that future, fighting and leather, dat ‘Violet ain’t shit like none of them movies! It’s better!!!!! Well, maybe not The Matrix, which I suppose doesn’t make my last statement mean much, but fuck all that, this movie was HOT FIYA! I gotta tell you, I don’t remember smiling this much at a movie since Martin’s first stand up film, people. Ultraviolet stars Milla Jovovich (a.k.a. the next, first and last white woman I will have a torrid affair with) as Violet. While trying to create super soldiers, the government has a lab screw up and a virus that causes a genetic mutation in people surfaces. As a result of the new epidemic, everyone walks around with Michael Jackson surgical masks on acting like worse germophobes than Jerry Seinfeld himself. My melanin-deficient future sex slave Milla contracts the high-tech cooties and the government uses her as a lab rat before she escapes and joins the underground resistance. Oh yeah, that’s kinda like The Matrix too, but I’ve got a question. How come The ‘Trix gets dibs on the whole resistance thing? The Wachowski brothers borrowed it just like everyone else does. That ain’t fair. But, I digress… Without giving too much away, Violet has a mission that turns into saving the number one creepy looking kid on the planet, Cameron Bright (sorry Haley Joel Osment). As it turns out, she was supposed to have a kid, it didn’t work out...yadda, yadda, this little savant becomes a surrogate child to her in a Nell Carter kinda way. I know, it sounds boring, but trust me, when Milla sets it in her mind that she’s going to keep young weirdo alive, she adjusts those sunglasses and you just know ass is ready to be kicked. It’s like watching Bruce Lee wipe off that shoe. In a tender Nell to Joey moment leading up to the final couple of heavy action scenes, Bright in his most passionate robotic voice warns Violet that she’s walking into a death trap, to which she responds, “Haven’t you been paying attention, killing is what I do; It’s what I’m good at. I mean, Gimme A Break!” Okay, maybe I added the last sentence, but nonetheless, the result is FIYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maaaaaaaan, I’m having a hard time not giving it all away but lemme just say Violet then goes on to kill a grand total of 700 combined super-robots, samurais, stormtroopers, Splinter Cell soldiers and Taliban. Want more fiya –literally?! The final scene features a full fledged confrontation with choice weapons made of FIYA!!! Yes, real FIYA!!! Milla, you are my new favorite heroine and white woman. I really mean it.
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FIYA NBA Ranks: #9 |
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Any
movie that gets made nowadays featuring the future, fighting
and a lot of leather, not starring a worthless California Governor
is going to be compared to The Matrix. I understand,
I get it. But that doesn’t just make that shit true. I’m
saying, y’all, I was thinking the very same thing when
I went to see Ultraviolet. Hell, not only did I think
I was about to see another Matrix rip-off, but add on
a Tomb Raider and Aeon Flux rip-off as well…and
the last two would have made this review tragic.