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FiyaStarter RATING = 
FiyaballsMovie
Review
Stomp The Yard Horny Black Females, Make Movie About Sweaty Black Men #1. by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment
The opening scene tells us all we need to know about this flick. First, we learn that niggas is gonna be dancing in this joint...a lot. Second, and most importantly, we learn that Usher cannot fuck with no Chris Brown when it comes to body movin'. This young muhfucka was dancing like crazy and the first thing I thought about was Usher somewhere going, "Oh fuck no! I gotta go work on my moves." Well, Usher can practice all he wants, because Chris Brown is on another level. He did some shit where he stand on his arm and slide for like 10 feet and I jumped out my damn seat and started clapping. So. It was good. I ain't above it. I clapped for Jennifer Hudson and this was just as good. Now, if you go see this shit because I cysed you on Chris Brown, you need to know his young ass gets shot and killed like five minutes after his big dance number. I know it's sad, but this is a movie about young black men. You know the deal. Seriously, the fuck did you expect? A kid with his dick in some apple pie? This is a movie about black teens, so guns gotta be drawn. You best recognize. The happy ending in black teen movies is always nobody else got killed. Chris Brown's pretend brother named DJ, played by Columbus Short (I'm fairly certain this nigga fucked Britney Spears...he used to choreograph her shows a few years back...mmmhuh), doesn't get killed. No sir, he gets served a far better fate (I dunno if you get the sly little You Got Served reference, but it's there). He gets sent to Atlanta to attend Truth University and hook up with Meagan Goode and them tittays. Ain't nothing wrong with that. But, in order to get in her pants, he gots to dance. Figures. A nigga always gotta dance to get anything worth having in this life. DJ goes to the club and dance-battles Ms. Goode's boyfriend, that dude who played Lem on TV's Soul Food. He whupped his ass, of course, and wet up Ms. Goode's panties. But, his work ain't done. After seeing his dance floor domination, the campus frats start recruiting him, so he can help them win the National Step Championship. You know how serious those frats are about that stepping, so this shit is really important. He decides join the frat led by Brian White's makeup wearing ass. As a matter of fact, let me just rant about Brian White's liberal use of makeup for a minute. I have seen this nigga in like five movies now and he always has that makeup piled high and deep on his face. Maybe if his 33 year-old ass would stop playing characters 10-15 years younger, his face wouldn't need to look so damn smooth. It's sickening. Get over yourself, Brian! So, the frats gear up for the big battle. The training montages are hilarious. It's like some Rocky shit, only wacker. These dudes clearly just needed an excuse to take off their shirts. They’re running up hills and practicing their moves in empty swimming pools and tryna be sweaty and sexy. Now, I ain't hating, because I know chicks are gonna pay to see this bullshit, but it was so ridiculous the only thing missing was Matt McConaughey. If McConaughey could dance, I bet he woulda found a way to be in this movie. He woulda been an undercover dancing ass professor or something, but Matt Dogg woulda found a way to get in this joint. That's the only thing I can think of that coulda made white folks madder about this movie, one of their own co-signing that dancing. I won't give away that uplifting ending, but I will say that no one else dies and black men can dance real well. Add on Meagan Goode's tits, and, really, what more do you need?
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FIYA NBA Ranks: #9 |
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Five minutes into this joint, I had made up my mind that I was gonna hate it. I had convinced myself that this was just another paint-by-numbers Nigga Movie. It is, but, it's so much more than that. Stomp The Yard is a tribute to unapologetic in-your-face of Black Manhood. For every second of this movie, the viewer is forced to understand that black men are the coolest, meanest, prettiest and baddest mo-fos around this town. Shonuff! I swear, if I wasn't a nigga, this movie would make me hate black guys. Their sense of humor, fashion sense, their looks, that incredibly over-the-top swagger and that GOT-damn dancing, it's all so obnoxious. But, I'm black, so...it's good and it's funny. 