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FiyaStarter RATING =  Fiyaballs
In Antoine Fuqua’s (Training Day) newest Action-Thriller, Marky-Mark Wally-Wahlberg plays Bob Lee Swagger…or the latest government appointed xXx. After leaving the Army, following a mission gone not so smooth, Bob Lee retreats to heartland U.S.A. to live with his mutt (as in his dog, so we don’t have any misunderstandings). Samuel L. Jacks---errrr, I mean, Danny Glover is sent in to bring him back to civilization because the country has an emergency that no other trained soldier can handle, apparently. In this case, Danny boy has reason to believe someone is gonna try and snipe the President and in order to thwart the assassination attempt, an impeccable sniper is needed to map out a plan he would execute. The second Bob Lee accepts the offer, you know he’s getting fucked over and sure enough, fifteen minutes later, he has two bullet wounds and is on the run, as the most wanted man in North America and West Africa. The twist is that the President wasn’t the one that got capped, but instead it was the Catholic Archbishop of Ethiopia. If you don’t have attention deficit disorder, by this point you’ve figured out that during the opening sequence Bob’s whole downward spiral took place during that mission in—you guessed it, Ethiopia. The next hour and change contains a whole bunch of sniper stories, crooked government schemes and shooting from ranges farther than I’ve driven to get the cheapest gas in my city. One shot, in particular, taking place on a mountain cap, was fantastic as all you saw was the blood from the headshot spraying down a fluffy hill. Made me want a cherry snow cone. I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking, “What gives Reggie, it sounds like you really liked it.” Ehhh, it was alright, but if you’ve seen one xXx movie, you’ve seen them all. Never mind, I figured everything important out almost right away. It’s just that there weren’t enough exciting bends and coils along the way to keep me on the edge of my seat ‘til that climax. Even xXx 2 ½: The Marine, starring wrestling’s John Cena had cool explosions and chases. Also, I suppose me anticipating xXx 4: Respect The Shooter, Again starring Wesley Snipes (I’m not shitting you! Snipes has a fucking movie with the same damn premise called THE SHOOTER ready to go! What the fuck, man?!) had something to do with my lack of overall excitement, here. I know what else you’re thinking, you’re thinking, “What gives Reggie, no Swagger jokes, it was his last name, fuck is up with that?” Ehhh, maybe during the next Borne Identi---errrr, xXx franchise feature. God my head hurts, I don’t know what the hell I just watched.
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FIYA NFL Ranks: Week 11 |
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Alright, maybe that’s a bit unfair, but it’s somewhere along those lines.