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FiyaStarter RATING = 
Fiyaballs
Dave: 'Sup? Reggie: Dave, let's get right to it. Why do you think this is the greatest action movie of all-time? Dave: Are we on? Are we interviewing right n... Reggie: Nigga, go...talk! Answer the question. Dave: Oh, aight...my bad. Okay, this is the greatest action movie of all-time because it has the three T's. Taut. Tenacity. 'Tensity. Action movies have to be taut. Nobody wanna sit through a long ass action movie. That's some bullshit. Just get right to the killing, cars and guns. We paying for Fiya and want the hot shit as soon as we sit down. If you've ever read an action screenplay, you'd know that shit has like 5 pages of actual dialogue. Nobody wanna hear no talking. Just show us the hero and then show us who he gotta kill. That's the movie. Make it happen. The hero gotta kill everyone between himself and the villain. That only takes a little over an hour, and this movie clocks in at a respectable 80 minutes. The next T is tenacity. The movie gotta be mean as fuck. People gotta do horrible shit to other. I think this movie achieves that easily. Some of that stuff is hard to watch, even for me. Last, and most importantly, it's got that 'tensity. Clive Owen is intense as hell. He looks like a damn bounty hunter. But, the real joy was Paul Giamatti. He’s such an unlikable asshole. He was over the top, yet completely believable. He's the villain Pacino has been failing to nail for the last 15 years. Reggie: So, tell me about some of the action sequences. Why were they so great? Dave: Man, ain't nobody done the shit they be doing in this damn movie. This is some next generation shit. It's like when Madden dropped on Playstation 2; this shit will make your head explode. All I know is that scene on that plane is the best scene in movie history. Reggie: Ever? Not just action... Dave: Ever, nigga! Any genre. You saw it. I mean, Daniel's battle with Johnny was good. Meryl Streep giving up her kid in Sophie's Choice was aight,...but that shit ain't make me cry like this joint... Reggie: Yeah, I was surprised you cried. It really didn't seem like the kinda scene that would tug at the heartstrings... Dave: Look here, I cry when something is good. It don't have to be sad, funny or upsetting. If it's good, I'm crying...just like some pussy. Matter of fact, that's all I gotta say about this shit, man...Shoot 'Em Up is just like some pussy...only it's the best pussy you've ever had. Reggie: I think that sums it up.
*Thanks again, Dave.
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FIYA NFL Ranks: Week 11 |
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So, I decided to take my boy Dave along with me to see this new Clive Owen joint, Shoot 'Em Up. Dave only likes action movies, so I thought he'd be the perfect gauge by which to measure this particular movie. Man, was he ever. I ain't seen Dave act so stupid since The New Breed broke out that flying suplex finishing move against some sorry ass jobbers back in the day. Damn, The New Breed was tight. But, they ain't fucking with Clive Owen in this movie. According to Dave, Clive Owen has upped the ante for every action hero that dares follow his performance in this movie. And that's saying something, because Dave was sure, just a month ago, that Matt Damon had set the bar to an unreachable height. So, I thought to myself, "Is this the greatest action performance ever? Is this the greatest action movie ever?" Who better to answer these questions than the self-proclaimed "Encyclopedia of action cinema," Dave from Southeast?” 