FiyaStarter.com - Reel Hot with Reggie Eggert

-

“My team ALWAYS plays better
at home. We don't travel well.”
-The Good Doctor
...with a sex reference

Comments on content?
email us

Wanna submit something?
*read this page

Reggie Eggert (30)

-Loves any movie with black people in it.
--Reggie was fired from BET.com for giving a 4-star review to Woo, which is quite possibly the worst movie ever made. Yes, worse than that. Yup, that too. It’s unforgivably bad. Reggie has learned his lesson. He promised not to give any movie with Jada Pinkett Smith in it for more than 20 minutes a rating higher than 2 and ½, because that’s all they deserve.

FiyaStarter RATING =

Fiyaballs

Movie Review

Resident Evil: Extinction
Keanu, Morgan and Milla: Make It Happen, Hollywood.
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment

Milla Jovovich needs to do a movie with Keanu Reeves, just so I can see if my body can contain my joy. I would scream like a goddamn whale giving birth if it ever came to pass. Can you imagine Dat 'Nu and Milla saving the world? Oh my goodness. My damn fingertips are gettin hot just thinking about it.

Imagine...

It's the year 2035. Some crazy ass virus is killing everybody. There is an evil Pharmaceutical company, PharmaTechCon (NOOOPE!!!), behind it all, that seeks to collect a windfall from selling a vaccine for the virus they engineered in their lab. Milla is a beautiful young cellular biologist for the company, who stumbles upon the entire conspiracy and has conducted her own research and found a cure. And she just happens to be an expert martial artist. Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Dat 'Nu plays...well, a cop. BUT, he's also Milla’s neighbor AND he’s an expert in them 'Arts. Hmmmmmmmmmm. A PharmaTechCon exec learns of Milla's discovery and they send some henchmen to her house to try to kill her nosey ass. Milla sees one of the killer’s reflections on a butter knife, as she washes her dishes and manages to run out of her apartment. Dat 'Nu hears the ruckus and comes out of his apartment to see two men with guns chasing Milla down the hall. He hits that standard white man, "Hey!" and springs into action.

So, after Dat 'Nu and Milla kill them low-level henchmen, he asks Milla what the fuck is going on. She explains the whole thing to him and 'Nu goes, "Whoa!" And Milla goes, "Yeah, it's crazy, huh?" and 'Nu says, "Yup. It is. We gotta get you outta here." And she goes, "Where can we go? PharmaTechCon owns everything. They're the biggest corporation in the world, with eyes and ears everywhere." And 'Nu goes, "I know a place. They won't find us there."

So, they take a trip in Dat 'Nu's ultra retro Aston Martin ("It was the only thing my old man ever gave me. I had to convert the engine, so that it runs on milk."), all the way up the California coast to...

Morgan Freeman's underground house. Morgan Freeman plays 'Nu's "uncle," his dad's best friend. 'Nu and Milla give Morgan the lowdown and Morgan hits that, "My God." And Milla goes, "Yeah, it's crazy, huh?" And Morgan goes, "We have to get this to the public. The people need this cure. They need to know what's happening?" and Milla goes, "But PharmaTechCon owns everything. We can't just take it to the press. They're the biggest corporation in the world, with eyes and ears everywhere." And Keanu goes, "Can't we just post the cure on the internet...ya know, like Johnny Neumonic?" And Morgan goes, "Well, I don't like to do something that's already been done before." And Milla laughs and says, "You mean like playing the earnest old black guy who brings out the best in his younger white co-stars?" And everyone starts laughing.

Man, that would be a good ass movie. Milla and 'Nu killing and Morgan giving them that powerful advice. Amazing.

Until that becomes a reality, we're just gonna have to make due with stuff like Resident Evil: Extinction. It's a fine movie, but after imagining 'Nu, Morgan and Milla taking on PharmaTechCon, it just doesn't do enough for me. I'ma give it four Fiyaballs, anyway...'cause 'Shanti's thighs are co-starring.