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FiyaStarter RATING =  FiyaballsMovie
Review
Wow. You have to understand, this is Dave; the same guy that laughed his way through every Jason, Freddy and war movie dating back to Apocalypse Now on HBO, back when we were kids. He fears over-ripe bananas more than he fears on-screen blood. Shit, he made me rethink whether or not I wanted to see Stallone’s old ass tie up that bandana one last time. But, I put my pea coat on and set out on my cinematic journey because: a) this is my job, b) Rocky Balboa was actually good, c) the ticket was free and d) I’m not a bitch, (nothing personal, Dave). Having said all that, I don’t blame Dave or anyone else that can’t stomach excessive violence that is avoiding this film. People don’t just get killed, NO, they get their asses---wait, lemme drop the plot and all that before I go on my rant… Rambo (not “Rambo IV”, for whatever reason) is set in Thailand. Some pressed ass Christians desperately want to get supplies and Christian literature over to war-torn Burma. Only John Rambo can help them make that journey so, Paul Schulze, who played Father Phil on The Sopranos and was thaaaaat close to fucking Carmela, asks Rambs to get him and his crusaders over to hell. Rambs tells Father Phil, “Get the hell outta my face with that!” At this point, Julie Benz, who plays Rita on Showtime’s Dexter hits Rambs with a one-two punch of blond bitch begging and convinces him to take the group to their almost certain death. On their trip in, Rita almost gets ass-mangled by a boat load of pirate mercenaries and she starts that steady sobbing she does on Dexter and every other thing I’ve seen her in. Damn, she’s a whiner. Anyway, things do nothing but get worse from here on out. Of course after Rambs drops them off, they kidnapped. As a result, the head of the church that sent his followers to get slaughtered gathers a months worth of offerings and hands the bulging envelope off to a bunch of mercenaries (don’t ask) and Rambo to go in and save the congregation. The only word I can use to describe that moment until the credits roll is CARNAGE! Remember how cool it was on Terminator II when Arnold shot that hole through the liquid metal dude? Well, that shit doesn’t look half as good when a hole that big busts through a human body. As a matter of fact it’s upsetting. Look, I can’t even begin to make you understand how many murders I witnessed on that screen. I just thank God the producers decided not to show that little boy get raped. Oh yeah, the leader of the bad guys, is a pedo to boot. Just disturbing.
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Big Earl: GET OUT THE WAY! |
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So, I called Dave (my action/lots of killings in a movie go to man) up to roll with me to see the new Rambo flick. After hanging up with him, I sat in silence for a moment contemplating whether or not I should call an ambulance for the guy. Dave said the most disturbing thing to me, while turning down my offer of a free movie. “I think I’ll pass on this one, Reggie. I saw the previews and it looks like there’s just too much killing…too much violence,” he said. 