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Review
Pirates Of the Caribbean II: Dead Man's Chest GODDAMN!!! IT DID AQUAMAN NUMBERS!!!! by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment First, I need to get something off my chest... Will someone PLEASE get Orlando Bloom the fuck outta my face?
Now, on to important stuff... Can't nobody tell me Johnny Depp ain't a pirate! If, by the time you read this, you've already seen Pirates of the Caribbean II: Dead Man's Chest, you know exactly why I'm so certain of it. If you haven't seen this movie, I'm telling you right now, there will come a moment as you're watching this movie that when you're gonna be so completely caught up in it that your going to come to this stunning, life-altering conclusion: Johnny Depp is a real fucking pirate! I know. I know. It's hard to wrap your head around it, but it's true, people. He looks, talks and behaves likes a pirate. Now, I don't know how y'all were raised, but I was told that when someone walks like a pirate and talks like a pirate...well, they are a fucking pirate, man. I know a Goddamned pirate when I see one! I always knew there was something slightly off about this dude, but I could never pinpoint it. When I was little kid, watching21 Jump Street, fantasizing about Holly Robinson's perfectly bronzed butt, there were times Depp would be on screen and I'd think to myself, "Something ain't right about this guy. He's not a vampire...not an angel...not a demon...he's not gay...what is it!?!?!?" For nearly two decades I tried to answer that question, observing Depp's ambiguously pirate nature taint even his greatest performances in films such as Donnie Brasco, Ed, Wood, Don Juan DeMarco, Benny & Joon and Nick of Time (NOPE! good movie). It made perfect sense that he was nominated for an Oscar in the first Pirates movie, as it confirmed my long held suspicions about the man. All those years he spent embodying all those weird characters never threw me off the trail. I knew it was all just a cover so that he could eventually one day take on the role that would free him from his prison of self-denial without anyone raising an eyebrow. Well, it didn't fool me. I was as shocked watching Depp nail the role of a swashbuckler as I would be watching Kevin Spacey blow a guy. As for the plot, there's something about some octopuss-face nigga's heart in a treasure chest and he doesn't like Cap'n Jack Sparrow. Now, I don't know what all that's about, but that shit is between them. I just came to see Cap'n Jack make faces and deliver them one-liners, and I got what I wanted, so this joint was great to me. Oh shit! This movie beat Spidey II and Aquaman! 132 million! GODDAMN! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. People like pirates! HAHAHAHAHAHA. When did pirates become popular? Jerry Seinfeld wish he had that shirt now. It's in style. HAHAHAHA. And Keira Knightley needs to stop doing what's she's doing before her stomach acid turns her teeth even more gray. You got intestines for a reason, dumb ho. Let them do their job.
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I'm tired
of seeing him every summer, ruining movies with his boring
ass performances. I have never seen an actor be so frequently
and consistently outshined by his co-stars. It truly is
disgusting. He destroys the fluidity of the scenes with
that unmanly lilt of his. How the hell can he make us believe
that he's going to save Keira Knightley talking like that? At
first I thought it was the English accent, but Clive Owen
and Daniel Craig don't have this problem. And it's not that
he's a pretty boy, because Jude Law has managed to be plausibly
menacing in ColdMountain, Road to Perdition and
even EXitenZ. I can't name one Bloom flick where
he's shown some balls. Don't say Lord of the Rings,
because balls shouldn't be CGI-created. As far as I'm concerned,
all he did was pretend to shoot some arrows against a blue
screen and look earnest. Fuck outta here! Why is this semi-guy
getting all these action-adventure movies? Its careers like his
that make people spread rumors of gay casting couches in Hollywood. 