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FiyaStarter RATING = 
(2½) FiyaballsMovie
Review
Ocean's Thirteen He Could've Given Silverstone and O'Donnell Parts In This. by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment
The Ocean's series has been a vanity project for all parties involved since the beginning, allowing each cast member to indulge in the bad acting of their choice, whether it be Brad Pitt's wooden preening, Don Cheadle's hideous Cockney accent or Clooney's Clooneying. I have never truly gotten the appeal of these films. Thankfully, this being the last installment and all, I won't have to keep trying.
Al Pacino plays the heavy in this one, and to my utter shock and dismay, this dude decides to turn down the volume for the first time in nearly 20 years. There is not one instance of Al's trademark verbal explosiveness. I felt cheated. I was kinda hoping he'd play his Wille Bank like he played his Walter Abrams in the brilliant, yet criminally slept-on Two for The Money. Or like he played John Milton in The Devil's Advocate, alonside Dat 'Nu. And of course, he could have chewed all of the damn scenery and pulled out the Oscar-winning Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade. But, he didn't do any of that. He was boring, old and obviously collecting a check. I ain't mad at him or anything, but fuck...somebody gotta be entertaining in this piece of shit. Bernie Mac was hardly in this bullshit, and when he was I could barely understand a word his drugged up ass was saying. Seriously, what in the hell happened to Bernie? I know he came down with some sort of illness, but...damn. It's like that? He was butchering lines like it was his job. It was like Soderbergh went up to him between takes and said, "Bernie I'm still having trouble not understanding what you're saying. Some of the words are just a little too clean. Just try slurring a little more." Bernie obviously takes direction well, because he was fucking them words up. During one scene with Pacino, Al had this look on his face that honestly said, "What the fuck is this nigga saying?" Al was not acting in that scene. Here's the rundown: Pacino cheats Elliott Gould out of his share of this newly built hotel, a spiraling DNA-shaped monstrosity called The Bank, that could only be built in Vegas. Gould has a coronary and almost dies, so his friends, Clooney and crew, plot for revenge. They devise a way to make Pacino's casino lose over a half-billion on its opening night...and steal some diamonds. The shit actually sounds like the makings of a great movie, right? Sure, if Tom Cruise was in the muhfucka. If this damn movie had Cruise, Vince Vaughn and Adam Sandler in place of Clooney, Pitt and Damon; and Chris Tucker, Chiwetel Ejiofor in place of Mac and Cheadle, you'd have a damn mega-buster. You know why? Because more black folks would go see that shit. Niggas love everybody I just named. Cruise brings them action niggas, Vince and Sandler bring that Crazy White Humor, Tucker brings that Ignant Ass Nigga Humor, and Chiwetel will bring out the bougie niggas who pretend to care about acting in a big budget summer flick. The rest of the cast can stay the same, especially Scott Caan and Casey Affleck, who are both so funny they almost saved the movie. Ocean's Thirteen is nothing more than a bridge between Pirates and The Silver Surfer. Cross it or don't. I really don't give a shit, because I'm gonna go see Fishburne voice that surfer this Friday, y'all. Ugh, Clooney has an Oscar and the Fish don't. Fuckin' Hollywood, man.
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FIYA NBA Ranks: #9 |
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I don't know what it will take for me to forgive George Clooney for tanking the Batman franchise of the 90s, but Ocean's Thirteen ain't it. 
