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FiyaStarter RATING =  Fiyaballs
Never mind, I think Nick Cage is the greatest actor of this generation, in terms of making movies I don’t mind spending my hard-earned money on (c’mon Ghost Rider wasn’t that bad…nope, I say it wasn’t). I was honestly ready to hate this film based on my mood and the fact that it was frolicking in the dangerous waters of one of my top ten films ever, Groundhog Day. I’m as unforgiving as Michael Gorbachev’s birthmark when it comes to a movie involving that future seeing/time traveling. I refused to review Premonition, for this very site and I honestly don’t care for Back To The Future as much as I did, when I was younger, because compared to the G-Day it’s less enjoyable than a day old piece of Cosi bread. Sorry, but that’s how I feel. And while we’re on feelings changed, I’d like to use this as an opportunity to retract most of my cursing tirades towards white males, roughly between the ages of 16 and 42, about how hot Jessica Biel is. I’m sorry for this, as well. I’m not saying she’s the baddest chick in the game or anything, all I’m saying is I kinda love her now. That’s it. Biel’s performance as Liz held Next together until Cage’s Chris Johnson got it together and started dominating the screen with that Fiya-future peering. As the plot develops something as important as saving southern Los Angeles was secondary in comparison to Chris making sure Liz believed in love and him. That was the kind of love I haven’t seen on film since I watched home movies of my grandparents on Betamax. I was truly touched---buuuuuuuuuut, Fuck all that! The15 minute action sequence towards the end of Next is what earned it these five Fiyaballs. Goddamn y’all! Nick was a perfect storm of Jack Bauer, Neo and Michael Landon. I was smiling so fuckin much, I--- Alright, are you tired of me saying how much I smiled during this film and that film? Of course you’re not, but I can see where it might be a bit confusing. So, here goes: aside from the standard Fiyaball Rating, when it comes such a time, we will have a FSmile Meter, detailing how big, long and pleasurable, the implied smile was, ranging from satisfied to Pat Ewing. For example, this is how the last smile measures up:
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FIYA NFL Ranks: Week 11 |
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The night before I was able to catch Next, I helped my homie, “A-Money” celebrate his birthday with an epic party that started at one of the poshest (new word) downtown spots and concluded at arguably the most gutter uptown strip joint in the city. From popped bottles to screw-on cap beers, I think I consumed every different kind of alcohol that you could in the Northern Hemisphere. Hangover isn’t the word. Needless to say I was in a very shitty mood by the time I parked my ass in that fold-down seat. (Aren’t you glad I skipped the predictable joke?) 
Now, just when I’m thinking the movie is preparing for a super-catastrophic ending, IT happens. I’m not gonna tell you what IT is, but I’ll just say this; A few minutes after IT happened, a little old black lady put it all together after the rest of us that paid general admission and said, “Oh, ok. So, now he can go back and fix it.” You would not believe how big my smil---wait, here you go. 