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FiyaStarter RATING =  FiyaballsMovie Review
Don’t pretend like I’m the only one thinking it. Those lips. Them tittays. That ass. You know she be fuckin’. I mean, Hartnett, Timberlake, Jeter, Leto, Del Toro…DUH! And I bet she’s a freak. Yup, I bet she’s a real missile twister, as the great Dutch would say. The girl has too much attitude to lay there and take it. I bet she fucks you back…like, real hard, too. Powerful. So, until she decides to answer her true calling, we—male filmgoers—will have to endure seeing her in shit with titles like The Nanny Diaries, which provides us with nice glimpses of her ass and tittays, but not as much as, say, “Big Tit Brotha Lovers 10” would. See, y’all bullshittin’ and I ain’t got time for no games. I take all my movies seriously and I would rather see Scarlett in a scene with Rico Strong than some Chris Evans’ clearance-priced Tom Cruise ass. I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel. This isn’t about me being a pervert, so don’t be writing those angry ass e-mails talking about I need help. Hell, I don’t wanna see Natalie Portman in a porno. She’s too cute and sweet for all that. I mean, Portman could be a freak, too, but she has the sex appeal of a toaster, and I ain’t tryna stick my dick in a toaster. Not again. The entire time I sat there watching this damn movie, I kept waiting for Alicia Keys, playing the Token Black Friend, to kiss Scarlett. Is that wrong? Because that shit woulda been a movie. I woulda rather watched them two playing in a bubble bath for an hour and a half than have my heart strings tugged, as if I’m supposed to care about Scarlett’s relationship with some lil’ spoiled ass Upper East Side brat (A brief note on that kid…lil’ muhfucka had a six pack. Um, what?). Imagine Scarlett’s lips blowing them bubbles at Alicia’s butt, while Alicia hangs over the side of the tub giggling. How much would that movie make? More importantly, could my penis survive the beating it would take?
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FIYA NBA Ranks: #9 |
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Let’s be real. Scarlett Johannson needs to do a porno. She is too cut the fuck up to keep bullshitting with these wack ass movies that she can’t open. I guarantee that if she did a feature length porno--- 