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FiyaStarter RATING =  (4½)
FiyaballsMovie Review
I apologize for the crassness of the metaphor. As you are well aware, you are the victim of a backlash that is being spearheaded by a brotherhood of talentless, lonely, remarkably gay, psuedo-intellectual "writers," who all seem to either lack the capacity to create their own works of art or lack the courage to have their works judged. I'm sure you've also come to that conclusion, if the character "Harry Farber" is any indication. I thought the Farber character was a brilliantly subtle dig at movie critics, as he was as completely unessential to the story of Lady in the Water as they are to the storytelling process. Movie critics are already well-aware that they are failed whatever-it-is-they-wanted-to-be's who hold little to no weight with audiences, but I truly appreciated the way you picked up their dog shit and smushed it in their faces. Given the venom being spewed in these reviews for Lady, I think it's obvious that my enjoyment watching Farber wryly explain the movie's plot points, themes and characters has been matched by the anger of these scrunt ass critics. You made fun of them and now they are making fun of you. But, hey, they were gonna hate on you anyway, right? Do you know why they hate you, M. Night? They hate you for your freedom. You can make any movie you want to make and they don't like it. You can make these movies because you bring in some fuckin' loot every time. They know the deal: no loot, no freedom. These people need you to bomb, because you make the same movie over and over and your name isn't Quentin Tarantino and you take yourself too seriously. Plus, you don't make MOVIES that are very plausible. I know, I know. But, that's what they say. I know what you're thinking: "But, a movie about fucking pirates and men with squid faces is about to break the $300 million barrier?!?!?" Listen, man...I know. It sucks. All you're doing is following your heart, but they are insisting you are self-indulgent. I don't completely agree with them, but you didn't have to cast yourself to such a key role. You kinda stuck out like Spike Lee in Malcolm X. As a lover of film, you should know that only Woody Allen can direct himself and ruin the film just enough with his acting that it becomes cool and actually adds a certain charm to the movie. Please, don't ever cast yourself in a key role again, because I'll have a hard time defending it. And please stop trying to make something better than The Sixth Sense, because that's where you fuckin' up. That movie had the greatest twist since Psycho and it's the main reason why the scrunt ass critics can't stand you. It's their job to see it coming and the vast majority of them never saw it coming. You got 'em, dogg. Do you really think you're gonna sneak something else by them? I know they’re hacks, but give them some credit. You're playing right into their hands these days, because as far as they're concerned, if they know where your movie is going, your movie sucks. It doesn't matter how well it's made, because if you can't outsmart them again, you have not made a good movie. That's the game they're playing. You are being punished for keeping us guessing, but failing to make us guess incorrectly. Stop giving them reasons to stand around in a massive jerk circle, laughing controllably, as they take turns watching each other shoot their pent up wads on the poster of your latest movie.
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FIYA NFL Ranks: Week 11 |
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Thank
you, M. Night Shayamalan. Thank you for trying to bring some
magic back to the movies. Thank you for not caring if people
are too fucking stupid or too fucking cynical or, my personal
favorite, too fucking hip to appreciate your work. Thank you
for following your own voice and making the films that you want
to make. For two hours, I was totally entranced by
the story you put on the screen, and I left the theater satisfied
that you actually made an honest attempt to entertain me
and capture my imagination, rather than wink at me like a bitch
at the club who's too cute for her own good and goes
around asking every nigga who looks her way to by her a fuckin'
drink. I ain't buying that bitch a drink. For what? So I can
stand around with the rest of the dumb niggas who bought her
a drink and be like, "Yeah, man, she fine. I like her?” FUCK
NO! I ain't that guy. I'm the guy who says, "Man, fuck
that bitch! All she want from a nigga is money. That bitch
don't care about you. She don't even care about herself." 