FiyaStarter.com - Reel Hot with Reggie Eggert

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“I was gonna drive around
the corner and get a blow job.”
-Charles Barkley
Drunk ass political hopeful.

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Reggie Eggert (30)

-Loves any movie with black people in it.
--Reggie was fired from BET.com for giving a 4-star review to Woo, which is quite possibly the worst movie ever made. Yes, worse than that. Yup, that too. It’s unforgivably bad. Reggie has learned his lesson. He promised not to give any movie with Jada Pinkett Smith in it for more than 20 minutes a rating higher than 2 and ½, because that’s all they deserve.

FiyaStarter RATING =

(3½)Fiyaballs

Movie Review

Jumper
This Is Getting Personal.
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment

Again?

Goddamn!

Hayden Christensen keeps on kicking Samuel L. Jackson’s ass! Man, they better be paying Sam that owed reparation money, because he’s earned every bit of it based on the way this white boy keeps on owning him on that screen. Sam has them old school values too, so you know this shit isn’t sitting well with him. I bet all his poker buddies be fuckin’ with him until he threatens to snatch them cigars and kick their asses out of his rec room.

Seriously, this movie was like insult to injury. After watching Episode III: Sam Got His Ass Dismembered, Electrocuted & Pushed Out A 800 Story Window, you just didn’t want to see him hurt anymore. Especially at the hands of one of the dudes than ran that ’87 Road Warriors double team on him. Well, a buddy-cop flick and serpent filled plane ride later and we have more ass stomping for our hero.

This time, Jumper is the scene of the hate crime. Set up with a slight Sci-Fi twist, Sammy L. is the head of a secret vigilante organization that hunts down those that have the ability to teleport anywhere in the world. Sam seems like a dickhead, but his point is legitimate. Anyone with that much power eventually grows into a monster...or as Samuel so eloquently puts it: “Only God should be able to be in all places---MOTHERFUCKER!”

Enter the exception to every rule in movies like this: the white guy, or David Rice (Christensen).

David is a quality guy. I mean outside of the normal all he does is rob banks, teleport drunk people to insane asylums, avoid mandatory airport check-ins and ultimately fuck Samuel. Sounds like a guy you’d want to grab a Michelob with, right?

Exactly.

When they make a sequel to this film, Samuel better get some get back. They made him paint his head Sisqo platinum and left him looking like a stranded fool at the end. This film made Black Snake Moan look like he took that lil’ girl out for ice cream.

*Oh yeah, Sam’s name is Roland in this one. That’s a top ten black name. Not ghetto, but black, as in: "I’m scared to name my son Roland because I’m almost insuring a white person will never hire him."