Movie Review
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
Gimme Back My Franchise!!!
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment
Old.
That's the overriding theme of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Harrison Ford is back as Indy, sporting deep wrinkles and the gait of a baby boomer's dad trying to escape the nursing home. Every time that crotchety muhfucka got to running, my knees just burst into flames. It was so painful, y'all. I know after each action sequence was finished, Harrison was iced down faster than a shitty rapper with a hit single.
The flick starts with Soviet operative Cate Blanchett and her merry band of extras capturing Indy and the perpetually bloated Ray Winstone (The Departed, Sexy Beast). Now, I love me some Cate Blanchett, Lord knows I do, but I'll kill her dead if she tries to do a Russian accent again. She sounded fucked up, like Denise Richards doing an impression of Cate Blanchett doing a Russian accent. She's all, "Zo, Zackta Yones...vere iz Ze Itum?" Man, I bout got up and left. I wasn't sure I could sit through giving such an embarrassing performance. And to make matters work, she is clearly the dumbest, least threatening villain of the franchise. The chick walks up to Indy and extends her hand to his forehead as if she was going to extract the info she needed telepathically. So, I'm sitting there like, "Aw shit, she got powers! Indy is some trouble in this one...she gonna use her brain on him!" Do you know he she pulled her damn hand back 10 seconds later and goes "Yaw a toff von tu crak Zacta Yones."
Man, I had a damn fit. What was the purpose of that stupid ass exchange?!?!? Never in the film before or after that scene did she display the ability to read ANYONE'S mind. I swear to goodness. It's like old ass Steve Spielberg and George Lucas put that in the script and forgot to get back to it.
So, Indy leads her and the gang to a big ass warehouse to get Ze Itum and, after some trickery here and one-liners there, his old ass escapes, pulling off maneuvers that couldn't have looked faker if performed by Gilbert Gottfried. My impatience with this movie was growing increasingly thin, until...
SHIA DOGG!!!
He showed up and saved this movie, y'all. Playing the role as a 50's grease ball named Mutt Williams, he was actin' cool and kept calling Indy old. I was like "Fuck yeah, Shia...somebody in this movie gotta point out the obvious." Why couldn't they just let Shia Dogg have that shine? They should've put Harrison in the role of Connery and Let Shia be the young dude gettin the woman. They coulda worked it so Cate Blanchett posed as a double agent and seduced Shia for info in Ze Itum and they could’ve had some hot PG-13 sex.
But, no, they had to keep Ford as the main character and the first half of the movie suffered because of it. Shia cleaned up all of that mess and set a new tone. The stale formula suddenly gained some life, as Shia forced Ford to pick up the pace. They had a wonderful chase scene, where they escape Blancett's thugs by hoping on Shia's motorcycle. Ford was again pulling off stunts he had no business doing, but with Shia on screen with him, the stunts seemed believable and I started rooting for Indy again.
Amazing, huh? See, that's why they brought Shia onboard: to make Indy not look so damn old.
Mutt and Indy eventually find Ze Itum and help E.T. phone home (just go see it, you'll see) and the America is saved from the Red Army and the threat of universal healthcare.
