Movie
Review
The Happening
M. Night Plants A Big One On The Haters.
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment
Whew!
I ain't gonna lie. I was so scared, y'all. Scared that M. Night Dogg was gonna flop at that office again. He was opening against the Marvel green machine with an R-rated slow-paced and poorly titled thriller. But I shoulda known better. All the great ones come through in the clutch.
Thirty million dollar domestic opening, y'all, making back half of its budget in three days. Once the overseas numbers come in, it'll be all profit. WOW! What a clutch performance from the greatest young filmmaker in the world. Is there any doubt that Tiger Woods, a very close friend of M. Night Dogg, learned of his friend's clutch opening numbers when walking up the 18th fairway and felt inspired to do something comparable? What an incredible weekend of clutchness from these two buddies.
Friends, no matter what you hear or what you read about The Happening, please believe me when I say this: That Happ could be the greatest movie ever made.
Now, hear me out.
Great films tackle great issues, and there is no greater issue facing the world than that of global warming. M. Night doesn't challenge us with pie charts and such, like fat ass Al Gore. No, M. Night makes it much easier for us to digest. According to M. Night, there is a very real chance that Mother Earth will start fighting back and possibly trying to kill us off.
WHAT A GENIUS PREMISE!!!
That's prolly what happened to the dinosaurs, come to think of it.
The film begins in Central Park, NYC, where, under completely normal circumstances, people just start killing themselves. It's mesmerizing to watch. M. Night Dogg captures it beautifully, as the event begins with everyone freezing in place, then eventually finding the quickest and most hideous ways to kill themselves. One woman, sitting on a bench with a friend, removes a knitting needle from her hair and punctures her carotid artery as easily as she would scoop ice cream. BRILLIANT!!! See, it was them plants, y'all. They released a poison that makes human beings kill themselves. Now, don't be fooled by haters tryna find plot holes, because there are none. Night Dogg got that covered. Plants don't need humans to survive, first of all; they need Carbon Dioxide. Last I heard, mankind aint the only living thing that produces it.
As for the other hate from the haters, it's a fact that plants can emit toxins that target specific enemies. So, that's that.
Meanwhile, in Philly, Marky Mark is tryna teach kids some science when he learns of the killer plants. He grabs his family and friends and gets on the next train outta town. Unfortunately, them plants make the train stop and all hell breaks loose. Marky Mark and his Fun Bunch are surrounded by foliage. There's a sea of it. And it starts talking, y'all. Them plants, trees and that grass start plotting on them. This is what we're in for folks, and Night is tryna warn us. The trees release them toxins and all these people start killing themselves. People shoot themselves. People run themselves over with lawnmowers. It's so damn good. Them plants be laughing. LMAO!!! People be running and them plants are just standing still, like, "NOPE! You gotta breathe sometime...and we everywhere." Now, who but M. Night could think of such a sinister villain!!! You need the villain to live, but the villain is tryna kill you? WOW! I'm telling y'all this man is fucking genius!!!
I can't tell you if the plants kill everybody, so you’re gonna have to see that for yourself. You'll be doing yourself, and the Earth, a favor.
Oh, and once you see this, please buy another ticket for it and go see whatever else you wanna see this summer. I bought another ticket for The Happening and went to see that big sorry ass green monster today. Do it all summer, people. Help save M. Night from the haters. When next week's movies come out, I will be buying tickets for The Happening and stroll in to see those movies too.
Cry your asses off, haters.
