FiyaStarter.com - Reel Hot with Reggie Eggert

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“My team ALWAYS plays better
at home. We don't travel well.”
-The Good Doctor
...with a sex reference

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Reggie Eggert (30)

-Loves any movie with black people in it.
--Reggie was fired from BET.com for giving a 4-star review to Woo, which is quite possibly the worst movie ever made. Yes, worse than that. Yup, that too. It’s unforgivably bad. Reggie has learned his lesson. He promised not to give any movie with Jada Pinkett Smith in it for more than 20 minutes a rating higher than 2 and ½, because that’s all they deserve.

FiyaStarter RATING =

Fiyaballs

Movie Review

The Descent
This Shit Is Not About The Devil.
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment

Seldom have I allowed myself to be upset by a film’s decidedly intentional false advertising campaign, but The Descent is such a fucking sham, such a blatant appeal to this great Christian nation’s fear and fascination with The Fallen Angel, that it should be denounced swiftly and vigorously by all sharing a common interest in film, Satan and films about Satan. By writing this review, I feel that I am doing my part.

With six bland, no name actresses, poor lighting and a hideous location in the mountains of West Virginia, The Descent is no joy to watch. The story--something about these women reuniting to recapture their youth, while simultaneously lifting the spirits of a friend who lost her husband and child in a car accident--did not interest me in the least. I came to see some demons and some good evil. I didn’t get any of that. What I got was six bitches who fancy themselves as thrill-seekers and end up in a damn cave screaming like they ain’t got no fuckin’ sense. When they ended up in that cave, I just sat there lookin at ‘em and poppin M&M’s in mouth, all the while thinking, “Mmmhuh, that’s just what the fuck they get...actin’ stupid!”

So, they’re down in the cave, bickering like women trapped in caves would inevitably do, and one of the women sees a creature. She immediately tells her friends, and of course, they don’t wanna be bothered, ‘cause they’re trapped, hungry and tired. They’re worried about finding a way out and this bitch, who, by the way, is heavily medicated, talking about she saw a damn creature. Nobody wanna hear all that. I mean, she did see something, but it wasn’t The Devil, so why the hell should we care?

And then the killing started.

Man, them damn creatures came outta nowhere and started bitin’ them women up. One of ’em bit this lady neck and…damn, you had to see it. I ain’t gon’ lie, I jumped in my seat a lil’ bit. It’s the damn music, man! I hate how scary movies always come with that loud ass burst of music when you ain’t expecting it. Hell, that’s what makes you jump, not what’s happening on the screen. But, if that had been Lucifer and an army of demons attacking them hoes, it don’t matter if they woulda been playing The Sound of Music, because I woulda been scared as fuck. The creatures themselves were not scary. They looked like hairless apes or something close, and they were wack as hell because the women were beatin’ the shit outta them. How you gonna be a creature in a movie and you losing wrestling matches to bitches with English accents?

Look, people, I can’t tell you what to do. All I know is this shit is not about The Devil and, therefore, it’s not scary. Now, if you wanna waste some money and see some “evolved” cave dwelling “sub-humans” massacre an exploration group, you go right ahead. But, I suggest you save your money for Satan.