Movie
Review
Crank
Why Didn't This Go Straight To DVD?
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment
Jason Statham. That’s The Muhfucka’s name. I figured I’d better find out the dude’s name after seeing Crank over the weekend. Is there anyone this man can’t fuck up? He has taken Steven Seagal’s crown as The King of Ignant Ass Action Movies That Black People Love and run with it. There’s no one even close to him right now.
Crank’s plot is nothing more than an excuse for non-stop action. Poisoned by a ruthless Latino gang member, our hero must keep his adrenaline flowing or he will die. Every time he slows down, so does his heart. It’s perfect. He has to do all kinds of crazy stuff to keep his heart beating. He fights a gang of black people for no reason. He fucks his girlfriend (Amy Smart, this is a step back, sweetie…bad choice) in the middle of Chinatown. He rides a motorcycle, standing. It’s non-stop implausible action.
But, you know what? I hated this shit.
I don’t know what it was, but I was not feeling this film, at all. It’s like dude got cysed ‘cause he had a lil’ hit with that Transporter franchise and thought he could get away with anything. I mean, the joint is critic-proof, as he has a built-in audience now, but this movie was even too ignant for me. There were so many racial stereotypes, I lost track. All the blacks and Latins were dirt bags. No bullshit. Every last black person that you see in this movie is a piece of shit. And the Latino villain…oh my. They shoulda just put this guy in a sombrero, a bandana and made him carry some fuckin’ oranges around. I’ve never seen a Latino get so much hate in a major motion picture. I was embarrassed for that actor. That’s some shit that’ll make John Leguizamo start crying like that old Indian on the commercial when he saw people littering, or like Cicely Tyson in…anything. Hell, I’m ashamed I went to see this.
Look, if you're a nigga, we both know you’re going to see this joint, regardless of what I tell you. I’m just saying, you have to adopt standards at some point. If y’all can go see shit like this, but don’t wanna go see Akeelah and the Bee type movies, then y’all need to reevaluate your existence as a moviegoer.
(½)
Fiyaballs
