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FiyaStarter RATING =  FiyaballsMovie Review
Let’s just get that out of the way. No, no—no need to make excuses for that conclusion, it was abrupt and wack. But, I’m sure we’ll get all the answers to what eventually happened to that big ass piece of shit in the upcoming Cloverfield 2: Electric Boogaloo and C3: Revolutions. And just as importantly, where it came from in the animated prequel, to be packaged as a DVD extra, Cloverfield: Let’s Get It Started. I’m interested, for sure, but I can only analyze what’s in front of me, so what do you do? Cloverfield has been compared to The Blair Witch Project, King Kong and War Of The Worlds and it’s pretty well justified as producer J.J. Abrams borrows themes from all three, with the P.O.V. camera interpretation of Witch, the unexplainable phenomenon of K Squared and the modern day perspective of the average Joe wondering what the hell is going on via War. F.Y.I., if you haven’t seen Clover yet and you’re thinking about bringing a chick with you--don’t. Well, unless you’re prepared to deal with the question, “Would you come back for me?” Look, don’t fool yourself man, because it WILL come up and potentially ruin any chances of relations for a day or more, depending on how much you laugh in her face. I saw at least three females lean over and ask the dude they were with something as soon as Rob (Michael Stahl-David, The Black Donnellys) said he was going back for his apple-headed damsel in distress. Lord Jesus, thank you for telling me not to bring this new chick I’m trying to smut with me to this movie. I would have laughed in her face before she had a chance to get the whole question out. That monster was big as shit and it wasn’t in the mood for games. I would have pushed my way to the front of that escaping chopper line like George Costanza at a children’s function. The most frustrating part of this film was sitting around waiting for the monster to actually show up, so you could get a good look at it and decide whether or not you’re buying. And at first good glance, I was neither buying the city mangling crab nor the fact that with all the damn technology this country has at its disposal that a monstrosity the size of three New York blocks could just show up without any warning. But to Abrams credit, the amount of ass that Clov kicked made me soon forget about all that unimportant sense-making. The horror and carnage was well worth it. That colossal monster pimp slapped The Statue of Liberty so hard, Rick James’ Unity ring rotated twice around his finger. Wait--then, the US Government tried to mobilize them Forces. Hahahahahaha, that Clov ignored them better than a starving Ethiopian kid ignores those flies. Well, maybe not better. Those kids have unbelievable focus. There’s really nothing else to this movie; people were happy before the monster got there and were scared shitless when it showed up. And it was all caught on an HD cam with the strongest battery on Earth. The lithium in that device was way past impressive. Where can I cop?
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Movie Review: Hancock |
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The
end sucked. 