FiyaStarter.com - Reel Hot with Reggie Eggert

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“I was gonna drive around
the corner and get a blow job.”
-Charles Barkley
Drunk ass political hopeful.

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Reggie Eggert (30)

-Loves any movie with black people in it.
--Reggie was fired from BET.com for giving a 4-star review to Woo, which is quite possibly the worst movie ever made. Yes, worse than that. Yup, that too. It’s unforgivably bad. Reggie has learned his lesson. He promised not to give any movie with Jada Pinkett Smith in it for more than 20 minutes a rating higher than 2 and ½, because that’s all they deserve.

FiyaStarter RATING =

(2½) Fiyaballs

Movie Review

Bangkok Dangerous
Helen Keller's Lover Meets The Karate Kid.
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment

The only reason I had an ounce of hope for Bangkok Dangerous was because I saw my man Nicolas Cage was starring in it. And that’s probably the sole reason I’m not going to totally bury it.

I’m not saying that’s a responsible thing for me to do as a “journalist,” but whatever, we all have our favorites. It’s no different than Celtics fans who ignore the terrible job Bird and McHale do in the front office, Republicans pretending like Bush isn’t the reason their son is dead and their house is in foreclosure, or YOU acting like that dry ass stuffing your aunt makes on Thanksgiving is “tasty.” Shit is either delicious or you’re not fucking with it on Turkey Day. Aint no such thing as “tasty” unless there’s a cake attached to it where I’m from. So, if anything you should respect my upfrontness (new word) here.

Bangkok Dangerous is a remake of a Thai film by the same name originally released in 2000. Besides not sucking in that version, the primary assassin was deaf while his girlfriend is the mute in this one. I’m glad they made this adjustment. Without the few good lines Nic dog gets off, this would have really been craptacular. Instead, it was just an ordinary ass action film with the initially heartless main character slowly growing a conscious. Think any Segal film, minus the midrange kicks.

This story is the one of assassin Joe (Cage), taking on four murder jobs in order to collect on a big payday and retire to where ever murderous introverts retire after they decide to hang up their rifles and silencers. Things get complicated of course and Joe has to figure out how to balance his checkbook with his soul---oh, and the girl he loves too. Gotta have that in there.

If that wasn’t enough to fill an hour and a half, Joe finds the time to take a kid named Kong and play Mr. Miyagi to his Daniel Son. They even break out the collage complete with music and smiles once lil Kong begins to understand them lessons. It was so bad, I smiled. It was either that or drown myself in nacho cheese.

Maybe it’s the Nic dog factor, but I’ll most likely watch this again when it hits Cinemax in a few months. It wasn’t Hard Boiled or anything, but it could have been worse. It could’ve featured Clooney.