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FiyaStarter RATING =  Fiyaballs
By the time you have the choice of whether you want to see District B13 or not, it will most likely be on DVD. Well, Reggie is here to tell you, cop that mofo when it drops, because it’s certified FIYA! Man, I haven’t been this giddy watching an action movie since Ultraviolet and my cracker-crush, Milla Jovovich, was kickin’ ass all up and down George Jetson’s block. District is set in Paris 2010, where the hood has been sectioned off by the government. Leito, who looks like Dave Batista’s ‘lil brother, lives in the hood (*note: Batista is a wrestler that got his ass fucked up by Booker T. If you don’t know who The Book is, please navigate to a different FS article on the right side of this page. Thanks.) All Leito wants is for the drug dealers to stay off his street. Of course they won’t, so he causes trouble for them. And when they come after him, Leito fucks them up with the latest revolutionary-Fu. Now, for those who don’t know, among others, you’ve got your Wire-Fu; most notably, from Crouching Tiger, your Bullet-Fu; seen during The Matrix trilogy, your Gun-Fu in the underrated Equilibrium and your Comedy-Fu; found on any Jackie Chan flick. Leito doesn’t go out and shark those though, he’s got his own shit called “Parkour” or what I call it, Condo-Fu. Yes, as in buildings. I know it’s hard to imagine, but trust me, it’s amazing. The shit is like watching a 3-D game of Frogger, only with terraces and fatalities. Leito-dog be leapin’ like shit through these buildings, dominating all the goons after him. I could have watched that Condo-Fu for the whole hour and a half, but I guess the writers and the director weren’t too concerned with my enjoyment, because they decided to develop some story about the government being crooked. Whatever. I didn’t need all that, but looking back, it was probably for the best because it introduced Damien, who is played by Cyril Raffaelli, into the mix. Raffaelli is the guy who choreographed fight scenes and did most of the stunt work on The Transporter films and you know how much I fucks with them, so it’s no wonder how well this worked. Anyway, he’s a cop or something this time, but that’s beside the point. Him and that Leito hook up to become the most lethal tag team since the Midnight Express…the Stan Lane one (*Another wrestling reference). That’s about it, my friends, but it’s more than enough. When Damien and Leito form the new and improved D4L, they commence to put all wrong doers down for life with sweet neck-snap music. AWWWWW YEAH.
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FIYA NBA Ranks: #3 |
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I’m gonna just be honest and admit I’m late with
this one. My bad, y’all. I apologize, but honestly it’s
not my fault. You see, I was supposed to review this action flick, District
B13 or Banlieue 13 as it’s called overseas
weeks ago, but I forgot I promised to take my baby girl to Disneyland.
And if there are two things in this world I don’t like,
it’s getting to the front of a KFC line and finding out
they don’t have anymore boneless wings left and disappointing
my baby girl. Even though it wasn’t going to be released
on a whole bunch of screens, I figured it would still be showing
when I got back, but damn if that shit wasn’t gone. “Oh
well, no biggie,” I said. It wasn’t like people
were waiting for my review of a movie that was originally released
in ’04 and just recently reached the states. As fate would
have it though, I just so happened to be out of town again, last
week and caught District at some rinky-dink theater
in a fake ass artsy district. (I’ll spare the name of the
town.) So here’s my late, but worth it-ass review: