FiyaStarter.com - Reel Hot with Reggie Eggert

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“I'm completely wrong.”
-Steve Smith
Panthers receiver, rumored character
in next Punisher film.

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Reggie Eggert (30)

-Loves any movie with black people in it.
--Reggie was fired from BET.com for giving a 4-star review to Woo, which is quite possibly the worst movie ever made. Yes, worse than that. Yup, that too. It’s unforgivably bad. Reggie has learned his lesson. He promised not to give any movie with Jada Pinkett Smith in it for more than 20 minutes a rating higher than 2 and ½, because that’s all they deserve.

FiyaStarter RATING =

(3½) Fiyaballs

Movie Review

American Gangster
I Didn't Pay To See American Cop, Motherfucker!
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment

Oh, it's a good movie. You will never hear me say it isn't a good movie. It might even be a great movie, but it's not a classic, as some are calling it. It could have been a classic, but it's not. Do you know why it's not a classic? Because classic movies tell the story of ONE fucking character.

American Gangster was supposed to tell the story of Frank Lucas, who ruled Harlem in the late 60s and early 70s, by flooding the streets with more white powder than fat sistas use between their titties in mid-August. He amassed a fortune, well over a quarter of a billion dollars, by shipping pure heroin from the jungles of Vietnam on US cargo planes, hiding the bricks of product in the coffins of dead soldiers.

That was the story I came to see.

However, the story I saw was that of Ritchie Roberts, honest ass super cop, who doggedly sought to end Lucas' empire. I learned all about Ritchie being a bad father, a womanizing husband, but otherwise good friend. Sort of like Larry Bird. As I sat there in disbelief, watching Ritchie's story interrupt (not intersect) Frank's, I thought to myself, "Who the fuck does Russell Crowe think he is? THIS ISN'T HIS FUCKING MOVIE!" How many times did Crowe send that script back, demanding more lines and insisting on scenes where he's fucking some skank? What in the world did that have to do with Frank Lucas dominating Harlem? And why the hell didn't Cuba get more lines?! I thought for sure they'd play up Frank's rivalry with the legendary Nicky Barnes (Cuba Gooding Jr.), but nooooo...there wasn’t any time, because Russell had to develop his one-dimensional character when the GODDAMN MOVIE WASN'T ABOUT HIS FUNKY ASS!

Just as Cuba starts making them good faces and gets his gangstafied swagger in gear, here comes Russell, sitting in court, slowing the damn movie down with some bullshit ass child custody case. This was a once in a lifetime shot for Cuba to show just how black he could be and Russell ruined it. Now, Cuba’s gonna go right back to doing those wack ass comedies he's been doing since he won that Oscar. Thanks, Russell. And the worst part is that I like Carla Gugino (She plays Ritchie's ex-wife), but she should've only had one line in this whole damn movie: "Ritchie, you're a good cop, but you're a shitty father and a worse husband. I'm taking your son and we're going to Vegas." That's his back story, period. WRAP IT UP!!!

Thanks, Russell, for hogging up minutes that could have been spent getting more signature “My man” punches out of Denzel and lines out of Ruby Dee, Chewetel Ejiofor, Roger Guenveur Smith, Josh Brolin...wait, wait, wait...a word about Josh Brolin, folks. He is fucking incredible. Other than Denzel, the actor who most deserves to be recognized for their work in this film is Josh Brolin. He holds his own with Denzel in each of their scenes together. If someone argued he got the best of Denzel, I wouldn't even debate it, because he was just that good.

Don't feel bad, people. There are enough people praising this movie; you don't need Reggie's seal of Fiya approval. But, I can’t, in good conscience, give this movie a superior rating, because I know in my heart, that Russell Crowe took a great script and wiped his ass with it. Then, he took another script and counted his lines again and said, "Okay, mate!" I wish a hotel worker woulda came from nowhere and bust that jackass in the head with a telephone during one of those lame ass court room scenes.

And while I’m wishing, I really wish the guy in charge of makeup would’ve gotten smacked silly for making Joe Morton look like a damn fool with that blond mustache and conk. He looked like the Martin character, Bob from Marketing, for Christ’s sake. What an eyesore. You saw it.