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FiyaStarter RATING =  FiyaballsMovie Review
Wholly Lord! Alright, let’s see here, umm, what’s a good one—ok, I’ve got it!
That’s my only excuse as to why a 300 movie review has been void from the FiyaStarter website, for this long.
I totally fumbled it and I apologize. Thank you, loyal reader, Paula I for shooting the note my way without the use of many four letter expletives. If it’s any consolation, Paula and others, I do have a decent (not good, but decent) excuse. You see, I’m a heterosexual male and from late February through the first or so of April, it’s this thing us stand up and pee guys partake in called "March Madness." From the conference tournaments on through the One Shining Moment (preferably, the Luther rendition) recap, many of us are worthless and undependable. It’s just something about the spirit of competition, camaraderie and cashing in on a winning bracket that turns our minds to cream of potato soup. Honestly, it’s not like I didn’t go to see the movie or anything, because in between conference championship Sunday and the start of the Big Dance I believe I saw 300 twice. Five Fiyaballs. Let’s just get that out of the way. We all know it deserves it, but here’s why: honor and the color of that sky. Beginning with the latter, first, if you regularly follow my column, you should know how much I love me some special effects. Give me some good eye candy and you’ve got two and a half Fiyaballs off top. So, based on that, you’d figure I’m making a mess in my pants for 300 from just the trailer. While that’s partly true, it’s not, totally. I actually just caught the part with all the arrows being fired at the SPARTANS! during my first peek and boy was I ready to toss this fucking gyro back in the greasy Greek dive from which it came. It's such a Jet-Li’s Fearless shark, they might as well have paid crater-face to pop-lock and drop at the premier kiosk in Hollywood. Just as I'm ready to despise the film, I see the damn sky. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I’ve never seen no shit like that before on a screen, in my life. It was so beautiful I wanted to cry. Whoever came up with that shade of sunset, someone get me his info. I want him (and some Mexicans, of course) to paint my basement to mirror that wonderful sky. I’d never worry about a thing in my life again if I had that to look at every morning. Now, the sky has me mystified, but then you add that honor in? Sheeeiiiiit. Gerald Butler plays King Leonidas in 300 and his kingly task is to either bow down and be a bitch to a powerful 10-foot original man or take 300 of his guys and get demolished in the name of honor. Well, Leo and them ‘Tans! give a smart and valiant effort, but best believe their asses got demolished. Not important. What was important is that King Leo had beliefs and he defended them to the death with profound well enunciated phrases that carried into that breathtaking scenery. I got chills a couple times when he spit those Fiya SPARTANS! pep talks. This never happened to me during Gladiator, Braveheart or that fagfest on HBO, Rome. Wanna know why? First of all, because my ass didn’t fall asleep during this movie like I did during the other two. Next, the obvious Greek faggotry was thoughtfully edited out. And finally when you factor in all those darts they threw at Bush, I left that theater cabbage patching like a SPARTAN! before his inevitable ass mauling.
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FIYA NFL Ranks: Week 11 |
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Mindfuck. Total mindfuck. 