FiyaStarter.com - In The Dining Room With Big Earl

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“I was gonna drive around
the corner and get a blow job.”
-Charles Barkley
Drunk ass political hopeful.

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No this isn’t a formal gathering, it's rambling with America’s resident angry black man, Big Earl at his dining room table where he watches sports on his 13-inch TV and reflects on life. Grab a chair and listen up as Earl pulls back the memories of days past almost as feverishly as he pulls back on his lit menthol of choice, all the while reflecting on today's events. You’re now in the dining room and Earl is speaking from the big chair.

"Man, if that was a nigga..."
by: Big Earl, for Social/General

"Man, if that was a Nigga..."

Nine of 10 black people will tell you that the above sentiment is the most concrete evidence of the racist double-standard African-Americans have faced throughout their history. It is entirely based on the notion (read: fact) that the dumb shit done by white people would be seen as an unpardonable sin if done by a black person. If Will left Jada for Halle and got her pregnant and started adopting kids from Africa and shit, that nigga might as well call it a wrap. White people will not go see that dude's movies anymore. He'll be starring with Morris Chesnutt in a buddy cop comedy, which pretty much signifies the end of the road for a young black actor. But, Brad Pitt can do shit like that. He can fuck a Martian and adopt a baby from Jupiter and white people will eat it up with a spoon and make lil' t-shirts about it. If Will Smith fucked a bitch from Mars...please. A nigga can barely fuck a female Earthling without getting hate, so you can imagine what's going to happen if he poked a chick from Mars.

Winners of the "Man, if that was a Nigga..." Award for the week ending 2/25/06:

Bode Miller

He was the face of the USA Winter Olympics and all he did was party, get drunk, get disqualified and not win a fucking thing. Did Bob Costas hate on him for costing America some medals like he hated on Shani "The Asiatic Prince" Davis? Is Cameron Diaz Latin? FUCK NO! This dude is the biggest disappointment white people have had since Gerry Cooney and they're trying to sweep this under the rug with some half-assed criticism. Man, if that was a nigga, they'd be talking about him like a dog on CNN, FOX, NBC, ABC, CBS, TBS, TNT, MTV, SPICE, PBS, QVC and The Learning Channel. Well, he’s gonna get talked about on FiyaStarter.com. He lost repeatedly, hideously and misrepresented this country. He's a piece of shit. And so is Bob Costas.

Chad Hedrick

This jackass talked trash about Shani "The Asiatic Prince" Davis for two weeks straight and lost to him twice. Why? Because the nigga didn't wanna help him win a medal by racing in a team event. Davis told everyone from jump that he wasn't racing in the team event, because he needed to maintain all of his energy and focus for the 1000 meters. But, this grandstanding cracker made a Federal case about it and the white media jumped on Davis. Incredible. White people will not even let a nigga follow his dreams in peace. Rather than seeing it as giving another skating ass Caucasian a chance to participate in the team event, white America saw it as a nigga being disloyal and selfish. In the end, Davis' decision turned out to be the correct one, as he won gold in the 1000 meters by only a fraction of a second. Who knows if he would have had the same power left in his legs to win if he'd tried to help Cracker Chad in the team event? And to the surprise of not one black person, Chad Hedrick did not congratulate Davis on his win nor did he shake the hand of the victorious original man. Man, if that was a nigga who refused to shake a white man's hand after the white man beats him in a race could you imagine the uproar that would have followed his black ass for the remainder of his stay in Torino?

George W. Bush

Let's just say, by some miracle, that a black person is elected President one day. Do you think they'd get away with suggesting we pay Arabs to guard our ports? This dude's presidency is a mindfuck. It's so bizarrely inept that the only way to put it in proper perspective is to look at the guy and say, "Man, if that was a nigga..."

(*Note: Dubya will be a staple in this column.)